That House is Not Fit to Live in

I like writing this blog because it’s a constant journey of discovery about myself. As I watch more movies, I discover more and more of what I like. While I’m officially agnostic about whether or not ghosts exist, I’m discovering that what I really love is a good ghost story, bonus points if it includes a mystery. I have no memory of adding 1980′s The Changeling to my Netflix queue, but I’m really glad that I did.
The Changeling is a movie about death, vengeance and, in a way, parenting. George C. Scott plays Dr. John Russell, a composer who loses his wife and daughter in a car accident. He moves across the country to Seattle and rents the spookiest mansion he can find.

This shot reminds me of the opening sequence to "The Shining."

Pretty soon, strange stuff starts to happen. The piano plays itself. A strange banging noise starts to wake John up in the mornings. What’s weirder is that it seems like the historical society that rented the house to him seems to be covering up who the past inhabitants of the house were.

"That house is not fit to live in. No one's been able to live in it. It doesn't want people."

John and Claire (Trish Van Devere), the woman who rented the house to him, decide to get their sleuth on and find out what happened in the house, and time is of the essence because whatever’s in the house is impatient. Doors begin to open and shut and glass starts to break. This leads John to find a secret, boarded-up staircase to an attic with a tiny wheelchair. John is slowly coming undone while this is happening, breaking the lock off the hidden door like it’s responsible for everything wrong in his life.

John and Claire end up exactly where I go whenever I’m faced with a mystery–the microfilm department of the library. Eventually, they turn to the psychic research department of the local university, who sends a medium to the house. The ghost that haunts the house communicates with them through automatic writing and electronic voice phenomenon. A rich family with a sickly son was the house’s original owners. The son is killed in an absolutely brutal scene. That is who haunts the mansion.
As John and Claire discover the dead child’s ties to a prominent local senator, the haunting becomes even more violent. As mirrors break, detectives are killed, and the child’s wheelchair starts to randomly show up, you realize that the ghost doesn’t just want justice, he wants vengeance.

The haunting continues even after they uncover the child’s body, in a well, leading John to shout, “What do you want of me?” I think that this is why I like revenge ghost stories so much. The ghosts don’t have to be reasonable. They’ve waited decades or centuries for justice and can be just as cranky as they want to be.
I’m not sure the movie has a happy ending, which is why I like it so much more than a lot of the ghost movies released today. They all seem to have the ghosts helping solve a mystery and then skipping happily into the light.
George C. Scott’s performance as a man grieving his family is emotionally touching. Scenes of the accident are cut in between scenes from the present, so the viewer can’t forget John’s loss any more than he can.
My favorite part about the movie is the house. It’s exactly the kind of place that I would like to live in one day. This is remarkable, because the movie was filmed entirely on sets and the exterior is a giant mock-up.
Like The Haunting, the house is like a character in the movie.

There are these long, slow shots through the hallways of the house and everything seems connected. That’s why I was so shocked to discover that the movie was filmed on a set.
I found parts of the movie to be scary, although it’s not a very gory or violent movie. The music effectively sets up sadness and the lighting and character’s reactions establish tension. I recommend this movie to all people who grew up reading Nancy Drew and who also love a good ghost story, it definitely won’t disappoint.

They’re All Gonna Laugh At You!

…If you don’t go to the Landmark Loews in Jersey City on Saturday, January 28th., because Piper Laurie is going to be there. You remember her as Carrie’s crazy mom, Mrs. White, but she’s also beloved to me as Catherine Martell from Twin Peaks.
Apparently, Ms. Laurie has a new book out and the event is to promote the new book. It starts at 5:15 p.m., where you can meet Ms. Laurie with your admission. At 6 they’re showing The Hustler, then at 7:45 you can meet her again with admission to Carrie, 8:30 is an onstage interview, and there will be a showing of Carrie at 9:15.
Aside from meeting Piper Laurie, this is a chance for me to see Carrie on the big screen. The Landmark Loews theater is a real treat. It was built in 1929 as a movie palace and it’s currently being restored. I went there to see a showing of Nosferatu with a live organist. The place is beautiful. It’s huge, still somewhat decayed, but covered in red velvet and gilt. There’s an orchestra pit, a giant organ, and balconies. So it’s worth seeing any movie you can there, just for the experience.
Combo admission for both the shows is just $16, it’s $10 for just one movie and that includes the meet-and-greet.
I’m definitely going and if you’re in the NYC/NJ area you should definitely come. The theater is super easy to get to if you take the PATH train to Journal Square, it’s pretty much around the corner and across the street.
Also, remember that if you don’t go, they’re all gonna laugh at you!

The French Chainsaw Massacre

Normally, I spend a good portion of my time making fun of the French. It’s probably because the French people that I deal with are so insufferably rude. That’s why I mumble “cheese-eating surrender-monkeys” every time I help one of them. Yet, as a history buff, I know that I owe a tremendous debt to the French–at least the French of the eighteenth century, when they were busy trading fur, selling Louisiana, and financing a revolution solely because it would piss off King George. I guess that kind of blew up in King Louis’ face. Sorry ’bout that.
One thing the French have been doing right, lately, is horror and one of my favorite exports is Alexandre Aja. You remember him from Piranha 3D–the movie that had the stones to show what it would look like if piranhas ate Jerry O’Connell’s dong.
I think I’m pretty much the last person in the horror community to see Aja’s earlier film, Haute Tension/High Tension. It was released in France in 2003, and reached the U.S. in edited form in 2005. I would like to take this moment to tell the M.P.A.A. to suck it hard. This just seems to be a story that keeps repeating, a movie is made and the makers are promptly told to cut it hard or else they won’t get the wide release it needs. What hypocrisy, a pompous secretive group of citizens acting as the moral police, protecting me for my own good, when they probably have volumes of porn in their bedstands and on their hard-drives. Of course, it’s always in the guise of “for the children.” So, you can see a PG-13 war movie with people getting shot to hell with a swelling score but Dog help the public if they see a couple, especially a woman, enjoying sex.
I really despise the M.P.A.A., is what I’m trying to say. Happily, I have the uncut director’s edition in the original language. As I said, I’m very late in seeing this movie. For awhile, I thought it was similar to the Saw series and I really hate Saw. Not because of the violence, I just think that Jigsaw is a moralizing carbuncle who would probably enjoy a circle-jerk with the M.P.A.A. High Tension is a very different story from Saw, I think the moral is something along the lines of don’t be crazy. Stacie Ponder has pretty much beaten me to the sexual politics of the movie, so I’ll direct you there.
The first thing that I would like to address is the elephant in the room–the twist ending. I know that I’m severely late to the movie and should assume that everyone knows what the big twist is. But, I’m betting there are people like me who may not want it spoiled so I’m not discussing it. Feel free to mention it in the comments, though. I saw the movie knowing what the twist was and I kind of wish that I hadn’t. I’ve read that a lot of people didn’t like the twist ending but I really did. It shouldn’t come out of nowhere if you watch the characters’ interactions. Plus, it makes somewhat more sense than what was being shown.
Basically, Alex (Maïwenn) and Marie (Cécile de France) are visiting Alex’s family in the sticks of France. I had no clue that France had sticks but I am willing to accept this. Alex mentions some trouble with local rednecks but says that the family is mostly left alone. Again, France has rednecks? There’s something comforting about that.
The house is seriously isolated, last house on the left isolated. There is a big scary van, nearby, with a big scary man in overalls, being fellated by a dead woman’s head.
Alex and Marie settle down, have dinner, and Marie enjoys a smoke outside while spying on her friend as she showers. It’s pretty clear that Marie is into Alex in a more-than-friends kind of way. Their banter in the car is strained as Marie calls her a slut and a bitch and generally makes fun of Alex. Frankly, I really wanted Alex to hit Marie in the face, dump her on the side of the road, and tell her to find her own way home. Afterwards, Marie goes upstairs and masturbates but is interrupted by the scary overalls man breaking into the house. He decapitates Alex’s dad by jamming his head between the rails of the staircase and then literally knocking his head off with a bookcase. The entire family is dispatched, except for Marie and Alex. He doesn’t know Marie is there and he takes off with Alex in his van. The movie is about Marie rescuing Alex. Until, you know, the twist.
While I enjoyed the movie, I found some of it to be derivative, especially of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Aja claims surprise that the movie has been picked apart the way it has been, but, how can you not with these shots?


Look at those scenes. If you didn’t know that this was from a French movie, where would you think this took place? Plus, the yellow-tint is very similar to the yellowy shots in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Or, look at this shot of the bad-guy.

So you have a grotesque, working-class guy with a saw and you wonder why your movie gets compared to another prominent movie with a chainsaw?
This movie even has a Texas-style lawman.

Honestly, I didn’t care for the opening of the movie. It was a lot of fast cuts and loud music and I was really concerned that this would be another music-video-turned-movie. Thankfully, I was wrong. I actually grew to enjoy the music, especially the high-frequency buzz as Marie is placed under more pressure.
The movie is quite violent, although it’s far from the most violent movie I’ve seen. The blood is very bright and Aja uses buckets of it. Critics made a lot of some of the violence, especially when Marie attacks the scary man with a club wound in barbed-wire. But honestly, you see more gore in a movie like Day of the Dead. I’m thinking of the scenes where the sheet is lifted and that zombie’s entire digestive system falls out or when Joe Pilato’s character is pulled apart by zombies. Personally, I liked the barbed-wire club because I thought it was resourceful.

And, honestly, I thought some of the gore was artistically done and evocative. Like this shot when Marie finds Alex’s mother.

I like the inversion, where the victim is vertical, and the person finding her appears to be horizontal. It’s just a perspective shift but I think it’s neat.
This movie did live up to its title. My roommate snuck into my room when I was watching it and I jumped about a mile. That doesn’t happen to me often so you know the movie at least accomplished what it set out to do. And that makes it successful, at least in my eyes. All I really wish is that they’d kept the name that they used in the U.K., Switchblade Romance. That sounds so very grindhouse.

The Steel Cage Match of the Century

I’m from America. In America, when we want to settle our differences, the offended parties have a steel cage-fight. It used to be cock fights but those were too brutal. That became the fifth amendment, changing the fights from cock fights to steel cage-fights. It’s a little-known fact that Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and George Washington were all mixed martial artists. Anyway, I finally decided to settle the question of which movie is better, Manhunter or Red Dragon.

Both movies are based on the novel Red Dragon by Thomas Harris, the first book in a series of four books that deal with the character Hannibal Lecter. Of all the books in the series, Red Dragon is the one that I haven’t been able to finish. I was disappointed by the lack of Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham, the protagonist, isn’t my favorite character in the series. My theory is that Red Dragon is an early book by Thomas Harris and his writing style was still evolving. My roommate’s theory is that I started with the wrong book in the series, The Silence of the Lambs, thus spoiling me forever to read Red Dragon.
First up is 1986′s Manhunter by Michael Mann. I found the movie to be simultaneously engrossing and frustrating. The plot follows Special Agent Will Graham (William Peterson) as he comes out of retirement to solve a series of serial murders committed by a suspect that law enforcement has dubbed “The Tooth Fairy.”
First of all, it was nice to see some familiar faces in this movie. Brian Cox played Hannibal Lektor (I don’t know why they changed the spelling for this movie.) You remember him as the curmudgeonly Mr. Kreeg in Trick ‘r Treat. Tom Noonan played Francis Dollarhyde, but you remember him as the creepy Satanist, Mr. Ulman, in House of the Devil. Finally, Stephen Lang plays my favorite movie paparazzo, Freddie Freddy Lounds. It’s weird, I was reading something about Manhunter that spelled Freddy’s name as “Freddie” and I’ve been misspelling it like that ever since. It’s like malware has infected my brain. Anyway, you remember him from my 100% accurate picture of him in the Avatar body-armour fighting a t-rex. Also, he’s Commander Taylor on Terra Nova, the dinosauriest show on t.v. It took me awhile to make the connection between the two, then I was just excited that Taylor used to be a ginge.
Anyway, as a visual artist, I found Manhunter to be very interesting. Michael Mann seems to favor symmetry in his shots and cool pastel lights.

That’s Will Graham with his wife, Molly (Kim Greist.) Often, when the two are together, they’re filmed in a cool blue light.

In contrast, when there’s a shot of Francis Dollarhyde, he’s usually in a hectic magenta or an acid green light. It’s as if Mann is trying to contrast the calmness of Graham’s domestic life with the mental disorder of Dollarhyde’s life.

I also liked the different POV shots utilized in the movie. Oftentimes, when we’re seeing something from Francis’ point of view, we don’t see Francis in the shot. It’s similar to the monster POV used in Halloween. This isn’t a new technique but it’s compelling and not overused. Also, five years before The Silence of the Lambs was released, Mann used the dual POV shots to show the conversations between Lektor and Graham.

Now, pay attention to the bars in the shot. As the scene progresses, the characters are always between the same bars. This shows an insane attention to detail that I can’t help but admire.


Unfortunately, I think that Mann gets tripped up in the visual details. The movie lacks a timeless quality due to its intense eightiesness. Yes, “eightiesness” is a word. It’s not just the fashion, it’s the fashion mixed with the heavily synth music plus the focus on art deco and glass bricks. One part that lacked credibility for me is when Will is leaving the hospital after speaking with Dr. Lektor. Dr. Lektor is housed in the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. It’s a state hospital and described in the books as very run-down, which makes sense. Will is upset in the scene, after Dr. Lektor says that they’re just alike, and you see him running down a series of ramps in the whitest, cleanest, most modern looking building ever. I watched it and never for a minute believed that it was a place that would be used to store the criminally insane. I don’t understand Michael Mann sometimes. He spends so much time establishing the bar placement in a scene but then he seems to shoot himself in the foot with gaffes like that.
What really made this movie a pleasure for me was the performances. I especially loved Tom Noonan as Francis Dollarhyde and Stephen Lang as Freddy Lounds. Noonan really makes Dollarhyde human, with his awkwardness and tics. You feel a pity for someone who’s doing monstrous things.

There’s something so sad watching him try to form a connection with his coworker, Reba. You really want him to succeed and hopefully tame his inner demons.
Freddy Lounds’ character has about fifteen minutes of screen time but his character is a catalyst for Dollarhyde. I think he could have ignored Will Graham if it weren’t for the story that Graham and Lounds published. In fact, you don’t meet Dollarhyde until fifty-five minutes in the movie and when you do, he’s kidnapping Freddy. I think, in a movie like this, that you need moments of, maybe not levity but something that isn’t murdered families with mirror shards for eyes, and Lounds’ character provides these moments. He’s so grasping and sleazy, just a perfect encapsulation of the eighties. Not that I recall them, I was three when this movie came out.

This image will always be in my head whenever I tell someone to suck it.

The most important part for me, though, is that Lang takes a character that could have been a throwaway character and makes him compelling. Just like when I was watching Avatar, you watch his performance and think, “Damn, what happened to this character? Why is he like that?” Freddy Lounds is possibly the tackiest character whose brain I wanted to pick.
For me, even with its supreme eightiesness, Manhunter was a joy to watch. Well, is a joy, since it’s one of my favorite movies and one of the few thrillers that I actually like. It’s so rare that I enjoy a movie that doesn’t have zombies. I knew that this movie was good because the time flew by when I watched.
I wish that I could say the same for Red Dragon. Watching Red Dragon was like the time I was getting a root-canal at my dentist’s office. My dentist had just gotten t.v.’s installed in the rooms so I was watching a Lifetime movie. That helped take my mind off of what was happening but I was still aware of every single minute that passed. And that made me really sad because this is a movie that combines Hannibal Lecter and the power of Voldemort. This out to be the best thing since peanut butter met chocolate. At least they kept the POV shots…?

"Enthrall me with your acumen..."

Red Dragon was directed by Brett Ratner who brought all the slick fluff of the music videos that he used to direct to the movie. But that’s all Red Dragon is, lots of style and no substance. Plus, there are two twists to the ending that makes any sort of deeper message pointless. Don’t worry, I hated this movie, so you know that I will reveal what happened.
My first problem with the movie was the performances. I hate to say this about an actor that I like and respect, but Anthony Hopkins’ performance just wasn’t good. I understand that this version of Hannibal Lecter is an early incarnation. He’s just been caught and is angry. But Hopkins’ performance is so over the top, the character is just reduced to a leering fright mask. He isn’t scary and you can practically see the cogs turning in Hopkins’ head, counting the coins dropping in his retirement account. I wish that he could have channeled the quietly contained Hannibal of The Silence of the Lambs. Then, he conveyed a sense of “I will cut your face off with a pocket knife so don’t mess with me.” This performance reminded me of my theater teachers telling us that volume doesn’t equally emotion. Sometimes quietly simmering rage is scarier than yelling and pulling faces.
Ralph Fiennes, who played Francis Dollarhyde, was also disappointing. He didn’t convey menace or moral confusion, all he conveyed was crazy mixed with boringness. Red Dragon tells a lot more about Francis Dollarhyde’s backstory yet I found myself caring less about him than I did in Manhunter. I have to chalk this up, in part, to Tom Noonan’s performace. He gave a character who does monstrous things a human face whereas Ralph Fiennes created the character with the broadest strokes possible.
The one performance I did prefer over the Manhunter version was Edward Norton as Will Graham. I think that Norton conveyed Graham’s boyishness better than William Peterson. I also liked that Norton’s Graham wasn’t as emotional as Peterson’s, yet he still managed to seem torn apart by his ability to understand killers.
One of the main problems with Red Dragon is how it seems like a sloppily-cribbed version of Manhunter. It makes sense that a newer movie based on the same book as a predecessor would have some similarities. As a director, you think that you would try to make your version different, try to add your own unique mark. Not every picture of sunflowers has to be Van Goh’s “Sunflowers.” But not only does Red Dragon feature dialogue lifted word for word from Manhunter–especially in the scenes involving Hannibal Lecter–but there are quite a few shots that I found to be very similar. Here’s a sampling:
You know how I talked about Francis Dollarhyde being in magenta or green lighting and posted the picture of him? Here’s Ralph Fiennes in the same scene. The lighting is very similar.

Both movies have scenes with detectives discussing Francis Dollarhyde’s teeth. Here’s a shot from Manhunter.

Now here’s a similar, but closer shot from Red Dragon.

Here’s a scene from Manhunter that has Will Graham piecing together how one of the murders looked like for Francis. It’s when he figures out why Francis puts the mirror shards in his victims’ eyes.

And now, from Red Dragon.

The most egregious problem with Red Dragon, though, is the not one, but two twists in the ending. Francis Dollarhyde has Reba, the blind woman he was courtin’, trapped in his charming home. He sets the place on fire and then shoots himself in front of her. But she’s blind, so she can’t see that. She just hears the gunshot, feels the blood splatter, and touches where Francis’ face used to live. Surprise, surprise, Francis isn’t dead. He just shot one of his and Reba’s coworkers, a guy that he thought he saw making the moves on Reba. He’d killed him earlier and saved his corpse, just in case. I guess Halloween was coming and he wanted to have something to dress as a scarecrow for his front lawn. Will Graham’s at home, recovering from not taking down the Tooth Fairy and, BAM! Turns out that Francis is there for vengeance, throwing out any chance the character might have had for some kind of redemption. But then, the worst part, the part that makes me really pissed is the film returns to Hannibal. He’s in his cell and Dr. Chilton–who came back for this movie–is there, telling Hannibal that he has a guest but he told her that Hannibal probably wouldn’t see her. Which is a shame, because she’s pretty. And Hannibal asks what her name is. My mind snapped sometime around then, I remember absolutely nothing from then to this moment. Who are you? What are you doing here?
There’s supposed to be a decade that passes between Hannibal’s incarceration and his meeting with Clarice Starling. But no, they have to find some way to tie this train-wreck to the original and it has to be all cute and winky-smiley. Holy cats, I hate that twist ending. If Red Dragon were a person, I think that I would send a preschooler to pummel it in the groin for a solid twenty minutes. It just wasn’t a good movie, is what I’m trying to say. I can’t even remember buying it. I know I saw it in theaters and I have this copy I’ve been trying to sell on half.com but I have no clue how I came to possess it. My only explanation is that I was in some kind of fugue state where I didn’t mind handing over my hard-earned money for crap.
So, the battered and bloody winner of the match is clearly Manhunter. Skip Red Dragon altogether and just watch what the original Hannibal Lektor was like. I still can’t get over that odd spelling change.

I, For One, Welcome the Comet

‘Tis the season for happy new years posts. I guess. I kind of hate those posts, living through the year can be hard enough. But I do like lists. So I’ve decided to look back at the ten best and ten worst films I’ve seen in 2011. This way, you’ll have something to read when the Mayan comet comes and the cable goes out.
The lists are in no particular order and encompass all the movies I’ve watched in 2011, not just movies released in 2011.
The BEST
1. The Beyond: Atmospheric. Creepy. I finally was able to see the uncut version of this movie and it’s stuck with me ever since. The ending is bleak and scary. This movie makes next to no sense but it’s fun taking the trip and watching it.

2. Cronos: Unsettlingly beautiful is the best way to describe Cronos. Plus, it seems appropriate to include Cronos in a year-in-review list, since it’s a movie about mortality and endings. The imagery is shocking but not necessarily graphic. Plus, the handiwork and love that went into making the movie are obvious. I think that Jesus Gris is one of my favorite movie characters. Even if he licks blood off of the bathroom floor.

3. Cropsey: This movie is the only documentary on my list. In fact, it’s the only documentary I’ve reviewed. The topic, a series of child abductions and their connection to the satanic panic of the 1980s, is something that fascinates me. More than that, it helped me understand events in my past.

4. Don’t Look Now: Another Italian flick on my list, this time a slasher/thriller. There’s an overwhelming sense of sadness that pervades the movie. The beauty of the Venetian setting keeps you watching.

5. The Eclipse: This Irish flick isn’t as loud or as brash as the other movies on my list. It’s not in-your-face horror. It’s a quiet, subtle movie defined by strong performances, beautiful music, and gorgeous scenery.

6. The Ghost: Well, the impossible has happened and a Mills Creek flick made it on the list. Another Italian flick! Even with the poor audio and visuals that are standard with these public domain movies, I still enjoyed the story. The twist was fun and the performances were over-the-top but still compelling.

7. Paranormal Activity 3: I know that I’m really hard on this series and I myself am surprised that I added it to my list. But, I found the movie to be evocative and I loved the attention the filmmakers paid to detail. The ending was goofy but it definitely had scary moments. Plus, I loved the camera attached to the oscillating fan set-up.
8. A Serbian Film: People are probably howling that I’m including this movie but you know what? I liked it. There, I said it. I liked the non-linear storytelling and I liked the characters. I especially loved Srdan Todorović’s performance as Miloš. He gave a human face to a character that you could hate. This is quite possibly the most violent movie I’ve ever seen but focusing on the violence takes away from the heart of the story and the pain Miloš and his family experience. As an aside, I’m kind of terrified by how many people find my blog by searching for the scene with the baby.
9. The Silence of the Lambs: I saw this movie many years ago but this is the first time I’ve written about it, so I’m counting it. I love this movie. I love it so much. It’s the kind of movie that I put on when I have an art project to work on and I need something to inspire me. I’ve seen it so often but it still entertains me and still manages to shock.

10. The Thing: I love this movie because I think it elevates practical effects to an art form. I watched the behind-the-scenes special on this DVD and was amazed by the work Rob Bottin put into making the Thing scary. The movie was made in 1982 but holds up remarkably well. Aside from that, it still manages to be scary and has one of my favorite Kurt Russell performances. R.J. MacReady is one of my heroes of fiction.

The WORST
1. Black Sheep: Oh, Black Sheep, how you failed me. I still don’t know how it’s possible to make a movie about killer sheep that’s boring.
2. Death Rage: Death Rage, I barely remember you. All I know is that you weren’t scary or interesting but you’re the reason that people find my blog by looking for pictures of Yul Brynner with hair.

3. The Demon: This movie featured no demons but it did have my favorite place to dance. Also, Cameron Mitchel.

4. The Demons of Ludlow: This low-budget The Fog rip-off doesn’t make one lick of sense. It does feature an entire Party City’s worth of fright teeth and liquid fog.

5. Dream House: So far, a lot of the movies in the worst column have been low-budget grindhouse flicks with no big names. Dream House proves that a movie can suck even with a big budget and Kalle Blomkvist.
6. Driller Killer: Poorly acted, poorly shot, literally, the only good thing to come from this movie is a nostalgic view of 1970s New York City.

7. Drive-In Massacre: Drive-In Massacre stars no one and is about nothing. Enjoy!

8. Jaws 3D: The ultimate pointless sequel to a movie that didn’t need a sequel.

9. Jaws: The Revenge: An even more pointless sequel to the ultimate pointless sequel. If you watch Jaws 3 and Jaws: The Revenge back-to-back it creates a vacuum made of pointlessness that will suck the universe into it.

10. Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus: I could deal with the bad acting, crummy CGI, and the nonsensical script if it weren’t for the fact that we barely see the giant octopus. I always root for the cephalopod and the lack of an octopus was very disappointing.

So, that’s it, a year of movies. I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for almost two years now. Now, I’m off to spend the night with The Twilight Zone and Twin Peaks and nachos. Have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve!

Terrible Toy # 7

I’ll be home for the holidays for the first time in about four years, so I’m going to take a brief break from posting. Here’s a toy for while I’m gone.

That’s a creepy octopus that will probably strangle you in your sleep, from the Italian rip-off of The Exorcist, Beyond the Door. Remember, the movie with Juliet Mills and her son who drinks cold soup like it’s soda? The movie with the scene where a guy chases another guy while playing the flute with his nose. I’m suddenly really nostalgic to watch this ridiculous movie again, I need to get a copy for myself.
When I get back, I’m doing something special. I’ve decided to do a steel-cage match between Manhunter, the first Hannibal Lecter movie made (Although “Lecter” is spelled “Lektor” in the film), versus Red Dragon, the prequel to The Silence of the Lambs. Two shall enter the steel-cage o’ death, only one shall emerge victorious. Michael Mann versus Brett “rehearsal is for f*gs^” Ratner. Holy cats, I just noticed that Brett Ratner directed Red Dragon. I’m actually cackling imagining a Brett Ratner movie versus a Michael Mann movie. So, if you want to see more wibbly-eyed cartoons of iconic movies, then you should stay tuned. I mean it, I’m cartooning the fuck out of the casts of both movies.
Also, for your holiday pleasure, I’ve compiled a list to get you through the season. I’m so happy to be going home to see my mom. She’s my bestie–but not in a Norman Bates kind of way–and part of the sane quarter of my family. My job normally keeps me from seeing mom during the holidays, so I end up visiting the beloved but intensely crazy quarter of my family. I need lots of whiskey, a warm blanket, and awesome movies to get me through the cold winter holiday nights. So here are my recommendations, to you. Happy monkey!
Do you want to party?
Black Christmas (1974)–A sorority house is stalked by a killer around Christmas time. I never saw the remake, even though it has Carrie Fischer.
Want to get away from it all?
Jaws: The Revenge–Remember, one of the sons is killed by the shark around Christmas. Enjoy your vacation with Michael Caine and Thea the Demon-Child.
Want to get even more away from it all?
The Shining–It’s not around Christmas but it’s cold and isolated. Plus, Danny has cornered the market in awesome sweater swag.
Want to get even MORE away from it all?
The Thing–Is Antarctica far away enough from your family? Plus, R.J. MacReady has all the liquor that was taken from the Overlook.
Are you the outdoors type>
Frozen–A bottle-episode thriller about being stuck in a chairlift.
Cold Prey–Another scary movie about the dangers of skiing. Come for the compound fractures, stay for the pyscho stalking the abandoned lodge.
Every Annual Gift Day, I watch MST3K’s Mexican Santa Clause episode. I highly recommend it, it has Santa Clause fighting the devil. Also, Santa is friends with Merlin, lives in outer space, and spies on everyone. Instead of elves, he has children from every country making his toys. It’s as if a Dadaist made a movie after drinking Tom Wolfe’s electric Kool-Aid acid drink. The movie includes a scene that would make the most racist minstrel show blush–Tintin in the Congo and The Adventures of Two Dutch Dolls and a Golliwogg, I am looking at you.
^^{I’m not normally the type of person to censor myself. If you’ve been reading me enough or know me in real life, you know that I work blue. But I hate the word “f*gs.” I mean, the word with the “a” between the “f” and the “g.” In general, I have no problem with figs or their delicious cookies.}

Ovine Spongiform Encephal-Apathy

Oscar Wilde once said that the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. I have to agree with Mr. Wilde. Be really good, be really bad, be really weird, just be something. Don’t be boring. That is the cardinal sin of New Zealand’s Black Sheep (2007), which is why we’re having a trial separation.
I was so excited about this movie. Maybe my expectations were just too high. But, a movie about killer sheep? You’d think this was custom-made for me. I love eco-horror and I love zombies, this should have been like the best of both worlds. I was extra-excited when I found out that Weta Workshop did the special effects. Those are the folks behind the Lord of the Rings trilogy plus, more recent movies like the terrifying CGI Tintin movie and Avatar. Plus, there’s the fact that Black Sheep is an homage to Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive and Braindead. So I watched it eagerly and was bored. Yes, a killer sheep movie left me bored.
The movie starts in the past. Henry’s brother, Angus, kills Henry’s pet sheep and plays a cruel prank on Henry. At the same time, they receive the news that their father has died. The shock of the news combined with the prank leave Henry with a fear of sheep. Henry visits the farm, in the present, to accept a buy-out from Angus for his share of the farm.
At the same time, Grant and Experience, two animal-rights activists, are trying to infiltrate the lab where Angus has crafted genetically engineered sheep. Grant steals a vial with a deformed sheep-thing in it and escapes into the woods with Experience. They get separated, Grant breaks the vial, and is attacked by the sheep-thing. It’s like they learned nothing from Twenty-Eight Days Later.

Meanwhile, while driving around the farm with his old friend, Tucker, Henry finds Experience and discovers that the sheep are attacking.
That’s pretty much it. Henry, Tucker, and Experience try to contain the sheep while Angus tries to continues with his presentation about his new breed of sheep. That’s the whole movie, basically. Just insert lots of gore and jokes about having sex with sheep.
My problem with the movie is that it promised loads of gore but didn’t really deliver. While it was bloodier than a mainstream horror movie, it really wasn’t on the same level of goriness as Dead Alive. Plus, the jokes and a lot of the acting fell really flat. Finally, the effects weren’t that great. Sometimes, they were cool. The human-sheep hybrids were suitably gross and the little sheep-thing that spread the outbreak was icky.

A lot of the time, though, the attacking sheep looked a lot like puppets.
Mostly, the problem was pacing. There were stretches where not a lot happened and it just didn’t feel like the characters were under threat. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t really good. Black Sheep, my friends, was just boring. So if you want to see a movie like Dead Alive, don’t settle and just watch Dead Alive.
You’re probably thinking, “You’ve changed, Scarina. You used to be cool. How could you not like Black Sheep?” How dare you. I still like The Golden Girls much more than you.

Art Post 3

Since I saw Avatar I’ve been drawing robots nonstop. At work, I drew this one that looked like Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons if her body was a hot-water heater. Also, she had huge tits and was screaming “CHEESE!”
This is my attempt to draw the giant body armor robot from Avatar fighting a t-rex. Not really horror-related but there’s a dinosaur. Dinosaurs are never not good.

Yeah, I know, my photography skills aren’t l33t. But whenever I scanned the picture, it turned all the greens in the background yellow. I kept trying to adjust the temperature and coolness of the pic but it never came out right. I used Koi Sakura watercolors with a waterbrush over Staedtler pigment liners. I used to use Microns a lot but I’ve switched to Staedtler at the urging of someone I used to work with. I don’t think that Microns take watercolor washes as well as Staedtlers. Although, one day, I guess I’ll have to suck it up and splurge on that seven pen Rapidograph set.

Devil Dog

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie with such star power before. This is a real treat and I’m only being seventy-five percent sarcastic. Of course, I’m referring to the 1978 U.S./Italian coproduction of Zoltan Hound of Dracula. Duh.

I love this title so much. Even if the font looks like it’s shivering. Want a sweater, Zoltan Hound of Dracula? If I ever release a metal album this is going to be the font on the album cover.
This movie features three stars. First, there’s Reggie Nalder as Veidt Smith, Dracula’s groundskeeper and dog groomer. I guess. He spends most of his time in this movie making this face.

You remember him as Barlow from the t.v. miniseries of ‘Salem’s Lot.
Then there’s Michael Pataki. He plays the dual roles of Michael Drake and Count Dracula. Michael Drake is a mild-mannered psychiatrist, an idiot, floppy-hat aficionado, and Dracula’s last heir, despite the fact that he has two children.


Dracula went all out and got the deluxe costume from Party City. What does the sash mean? Did he win Little Miss Undead? The collar of his cape is so limp, it makes me sad.
You remember Michael Pataki as Professor Lockwood in Grave of the Vampire. He’s also been in three, count ‘em, three MST3K episodes. He was in the KTMA episode Superdome, he was the psycho J.C. in Sidehackers, and he was Sheriff Character-Actor in It Lives by Night. I love when people have these huge MST3K resumes, it pleases me.
Finally, the biggest star in the movie is José Ferrer. He plays Inspector Branco, the Van Helsing of the movie but he looks like Donald Sutherland as Merrick in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie.


Which one is which? I’ll never tell!
Soldiers are blasting in some unspecified Soviet country, where there are no accents, stumble across a tomb. They leave the dumbest, weakest soldier stationed as a guard. Two coffins slide out and Private Idiot opens them. There’s a dog with a stake through its heart in one of them. Private Idiot takes the stake out and the dog reanimates and attacks him. Zoltan! Zoltan takes the stake out of the second body, causing the shroud to inflate. I had no clue that vampires were like balloons. This is Veidt Smith. Then there’s a flashback. I have no clue who’s flashing back, Zoltan I guess. Dimestore Dracule tries to attack a woman but the woman is saved by Zoltan. As vengeance, Dracula turns into a bat and turns Zoltan into a vampire dog. Zoltan gains the powers of immortality and glowing eyes. Dracula also turns Smith into his partial vampire servant, kind of like Renfield.
Major Hessel, who I guess is in charge of blowing up random things in the eastern bloc, calls Inspector Branco for help.

I know she's supposed to be Soviet but I'm getting some "Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S." vibes from her.

She has what Michael K. would call a major eyebrow situation.
Inspector Branco looks through some books and deduces in about fifteen minutes that Smith and Zoltan have reanimated and are looking for Dracula’s heir to turn into their master. He also calls Smith a something “fractional lamia” which I misheard as something totally different. Sucio bitches. He also discovers the exact address of Dracula’s descendent, Michael Drake. This is before the internet.
In California, Michael Drake is planning for a camping trip with his family. Their dogs, Annie and Sampson just had puppies. They decide to bring the puppies along with them. Can I say that I hate this family something fierce? They are the most irresponsible dog owners ever. Their fully grown dogs are never on a leash and they just keep the puppies in a cardboard box. Then they leave them outside at the campground, where any predator can snatch them up. Predictably, one of the puppies scampers off. He’s the cutest little thing, he has a little white spot on the tip of his tail so I named him Mr. Spot. He runs right to the spot where Zoltan and Smith are camping in Smith’s not-at-all conspicuous hearse. Zoltan grabs the puppy and turns him into a tiny vampire puppy. Then Zoltan starts luring the dogs in the campground to him, including Annie and Sampson. He’s building an adorable vampire dog army!
The vampire dogs start terrorizing the Drake family but Papa Drake is damn determined to have fun family camping time. Plus, the kids are really upset about their lost dogs. Meanwhile, Zoltan and his dog minions are running amok in the campground and attack a hippy.
Inspector Branco finally catches up to the Drake family, after switching his fedora for a beret. Drake immediately accepts that he’s Dracula’s heir and sends his family away so him and Brnaco can hunt Zoltan and Smith. Branco gives Drake about five-minutes of slayer training before they hole up in a cabin. Zoltan and his army attack the cabin and there’s a scene that’s about twenty-minutes-long of dogs scratching at the cabin door and chewing on the roof. This isn’t nearly as entertaining as it seems. Zoltan finally rips out the electrical wire to the cabin.
A long time ago, I studied acting. One of the things I learned is that acting is all about the choices you make onstage or on film. So what the hell explains this acting choice?

Nice non-reaction, fellows. Zoltan is about to attack Drake and Branco but then the sun rises. Damn sun! I am strongly rooting for Zoltan and his dog minions in this movie because the humans are so unappealing. Plus, they’re so cute when they run around and their eyes glow.
There’s finally a big vampire dog showdown where Drake stakes Smith and then they stake Zoltan. I guess his minions die but, for some reason, the vampire puppy, Mr. Spot, survives. Go Mr. Spot!
Then he turns into a hand-puppet and his eyes glow threateningly.

This movie. I don’t mean to make this movie sound like more fun than it is. Literally, every minute without doggy hijinks is a waste of screen-time. Mostly, this movie suffers from poor characterization. Michael Drake’s wife is bland, the kids are annoying although not very present, and Drake himself is incompetent and stubborn. It’s really hard to enjoy a movie when you don’t like any of the characters. Well, I did like Branco, but only because he inadvertently reminded me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Like Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus, this movie also recycled shots. A lot. Enough to make me nauseous at one point when there’d be a shot of nature, then a quick cut to Zoltan’s glowing eyes, to another shot of nature, and then a shot of Drake. This continued over about two minutes. Just because you can edit doesn’t mean you should. Anytime something was supposed to be suspenseful there’d be a shot of Zoltan’s eyes or Smith’s buttery teeth. Or a shot of Smith making the same disapproving face.
So if you decide to watch this movie, my advice is to fast forward through anything not involving puppies. Puppies! Here’s another picture of the vampire puppy just because.

You Gonna Be Da Worm-Face!

Well, I’m happy because I got to watch another Nature Hates You movie. I’ve seen it before but only on Mystery Science Theater 3000. This was 1976′s schlock-fest Squirm. Oh Squirm, you’re so cheesy but I love you so much. The short summary of the movie is that it’s about electricity driving worms crazy and making them crave human flesh. But this movie is so much goofier than that. Also, it’s kind of gross.
The movie starts my absolutely favorite way, with a scrolling introduction that’s only slightly shorter than the one for Star Wars: A New Hope, about how one time something really freaky happened in Georgia.



Are you ready for some killer worms? HUH? ARE YOU!?
Basically, a big storm knocks down an electrical tower at Fly Creek, Georgia. I know, I’m totally surprised too that a place named Fly Creek even has electricity. All the electricity makes the worms go crazy and crave flesh. This movie features more closeups of worms than any other movie.

Whenever there’s a closeup, the worms roar. For some reason. Because worms by themselves aren’t quite gross enough, they have to make noise too.
Meanwhile, skinny, pasty, Geri is planning on meeting a city-slicker suitor that she met at an antique show.


The final point of this love-triangle is Roger, the possible result of an attempt to crossbreed a human with a chipmunk.

Geri catches Roger spying on her. This part was lopped out of the MST3K version, probably due to pronounced creepiness. After catching Roger spying, Geri asks to borrow his truck so she can pick up Mick. Uhm, if I caught someone spying on me I wouldn’t ask them any favors, amIrite?
Geri takes Mick to pick up some ice and the slick northerner gets into a confrontation with the smarmy southern sheriff at a lunch counter.

He finds a worm in his egg cream and somehow, the crates of worms in the back of the truck are all emptied. Oh yeah, Roger’s dad is Willie, the owner of the bait and worm emporium in Fly Creek.
Geri and Mick have an appointment with Mr. Beardsley, one of the town’s antiques dealers. Apparently, the town has a thriving antique business with tourists. Unfortunately, you never see this. It’s just referenced in dialogue while the town continues to look like a place you’d go to get murdered. They can’t find Mr. Beardsley at his house but they do find a skeleton.

They try to tell the sheriff but when they go back to show him, the skeleton is GONE. Dunh dunh dunnnnh! I guess the worms put it on their little worm backs and squirmed away with it. Or something.
I should note that while one his way to meet Geri, Mick fell into the swamp and his clothes got soaked. By this point, he has yet to change his clothes. I can’t help wondering how badly he would smell and how badly he’d be chaffing by now.
Mick finally does change his clothes, into Geri’s dead dad’s clothes. He probably got them from a chiffarobe or something. For some reason, he changes in front of Geri’s sister, Alma. They also smoke a joint together. This scene was also cut out of the MST3K version. That kind of makes me sad. Alma is eight-levels of awkward and, according to Mike and the ‘bots, looks like she should be playing with the New York Dolls. But there’s something endearing about her and I wish we’d seen more of her character. It’s like she knows that there’s a world beyond rummaging through dead people’s stuff in Fly Creek. So what if the Pringles guy is on the seat of her pants?

Anyway, Geri and Mick convince Roger to go fishing with them.

He's sending out a beacon for all future hipsters.

Mick gets bitten on his tissue-papery skin by a worm so he leaves his girlfriend alone on a boat with the maniac obsessed with her. Yeah, this isn’t going to end well. After trying to kiss Geri, Roger is attacked by worms and becomes…da worm-face!

I’ll admit, a good portion of this movie focuses on gross-out horror. And that’s pretty gross and pretty impressive. Squirm features some early makeup work by none-other than Rick Baker.
Roger runs off while Mick and Alma do some sleuthing. Mick finds the skeleton in Roger’s truck and takes the skull to the dentist to identify it. It turns out that the skeleton is Mr. Beardsley. Also, that Roger had a surprise for Geri (Pronounced “zooprize” by Roger)–he wanted to quit the worm business and was going to sell the skeleton for $100. Yikes, this really is the deep south.
Mick and Alma also discover that Willie has succumbed to the worms.

Mick realizes that the worms are scared of light. But dark is coming! He goes to an abandoned rice factory to get some plywood to board up the house but is attacked by Roger. At this point, Roger shrieks my favorite line in the movie, “You gonna be da worm-face!”

Turns out he wasn’t quite dead. Predictably, Mick is knocked out after a piece of plywood falls on him. Roger scampers to Geri’s house and attacks her. Mick finally makes his way back and discovers that the house is full of pools and pools of worms. I didn’t screen-cap this because, honestly, it’s really gross. I can’t deny it, the sound effects add to the skin-crawling creepiness of these scenes. It’s as if you can really hear the worms writhing around.
Mick finally ends up saving the girl, by getting Geri climb a tree. He gets into a moderate fight with Roger and lightly pushes him down the stairs, to his wormy death. Alma manages to save herself by hiding in a trunk.
People often ask me why I watch movies like this. I generally prefer these kinds of movies over the universally beloved ones. I’ve never seen The Godfather and I just saw Avatar today.
I just really love a movie with more heart than budget, I guess is what I’m trying to say. While this movie isn’t really scary, it is pretty gross and kind of creepy. It’s fun. And, for extra fun, I’ve included the short that they showed with this episode on MST3K. It’s called “A Case of Spring Fever” and it has Satan’s handwriting all over it. Enjoy!