Every time I dub a movie the most seventies movie ever I come upon another one that’s even more seventies. That’s what happened with The Vampire Happening. First of all, the box lied to me. It said it had Elvira in it, only they didn’t mean the THAT Elvira, they meant Pia Degermark. That was the first disappointment.
The second disappointment was how tedious and over-long and boring this movie was. How can a film with this many nakey breasts be this boring? How is it even possible for a vampire movie to be boring? I can’t even begin to summarize this movie, because nothing makes any sense. This movie delivers more WTF moments per minute than any other movie that I’ve seen, so I’m showing a montage of choice images.
This image was about one minute into the movie. I had no clue what was happening at that moment.
Do you like this eye-blinding red?
The main character that’s played by Pia Degermark, Betty Williams, has this insane dream and this image came from it. I guess they’re supposed to be breasts, but they look like some puddingy jello dish.
There’s a monk in the movie and Betty flashes him her breasts and I guess she tries to seduce him, I’m really not clear on that. He takes a walk in the woods and starts hallucinating all this sexual imagery. Like the above picture.
I guess I’d be remiss if I didn’t show you a picture of Pia. She *was* nice to look at.
At one point there’s a party. The vampire lady turned the monk into a vampire and he’s at the party. It’s apparently some kind of Scooby-Doo monster party. Then there’s this weird exchange between the monk and this woman. He’s holding something that looks like a naked dead bird and she kind of shimmies and goes “Ahhhhh” in an Edith Bunker voice.
The guy who threw the party gives Dracula all these woman as a present. That leads to this:
The party ends for reasons that I can’t be bothered to remember. All I know is that Dracula has a helicopter. A HELICOPTER. With a bat insignia.
This movie sounds hilarious and bad, and maybe it would be hilarious if I weren’t watching it alone, but it was so painful. Please avoid this at all costs. My new mission in life is to destroy every copy of this movie. No one else will lose an hour and forty minutes to this monster!