This Movie Hates Me

Every time I dub a movie the most seventies movie ever I come upon another one that’s even more seventies. That’s what happened with The Vampire Happening. First of all, the box lied to me. It said it had Elvira in it, only they didn’t mean the THAT Elvira, they meant Pia Degermark. That was the first disappointment.
The second disappointment was how tedious and over-long and boring this movie was. How can a film with this many nakey breasts be this boring? How is it even possible for a vampire movie to be boring? I can’t even begin to summarize this movie, because nothing makes any sense. This movie delivers more WTF moments per minute than any other movie that I’ve seen, so I’m showing a montage of choice images.

She's wearing Homer Simpson's jury duty glasses.

This image was about one minute into the movie. I had no clue what was happening at that moment.

Do you like this eye-blinding red?

The main character that’s played by Pia Degermark, Betty Williams, has this insane dream and this image came from it. I guess they’re supposed to be breasts, but they look like some puddingy jello dish.

Yeah, this is exactly what you think this is.

There’s a monk in the movie and Betty flashes him her breasts and I guess she tries to seduce him, I’m really not clear on that. He takes a walk in the woods and starts hallucinating all this sexual imagery. Like the above picture.
And this:

I guess I’d be remiss if I didn’t show you a picture of Pia. She *was* nice to look at.

At one point there’s a party. The vampire lady turned the monk into a vampire and he’s at the party. It’s apparently some kind of Scooby-Doo monster party. Then there’s this weird exchange between the monk and this woman. He’s holding something that looks like a naked dead bird and she kind of shimmies and goes “Ahhhhh” in an Edith Bunker voice.

There really isn't a language invented yet that can describe the weirdness of this scene.

This movie is drunk and now it's trying to paw me.

This is a picture of Dracula eating a banana. That's all.

The guy who threw the party gives Dracula all these woman as a present. That leads to this:

I really wish I could explain this. I really, really do.

The party ends for reasons that I can’t be bothered to remember. All I know is that Dracula has a helicopter. A HELICOPTER. With a bat insignia.

This movie sounds hilarious and bad, and maybe it would be hilarious if I weren’t watching it alone, but it was so painful. Please avoid this at all costs. My new mission in life is to destroy every copy of this movie. No one else will lose an hour and forty minutes to this monster!

About scarina

I like scary movies a little too much. I thought I'd share my obsession with you.
This entry was posted in 1970's, foreign, vampires and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to This Movie Hates Me

  1. FRC Ruben says:

    Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h’ors d’ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

  2. FRC Ruben says:

    above comment has nothing to do with the movie, but inspir3ed by your new profile pic ;)

  3. Sadako says:

    FRC Ruben, LOVE you for that quote.

    Drac with the banana will haunt me.

    • scarina says:

      Why would a vampire eat a banana? Does he get leg cramps or something?
      There are even more weird parts with Drac. The host of the party gives him a medal and it looks just like the medals that come with generic Dracula Halloween costumes.

      • FRC Ruben says:

        Anyone ever see that episode of the Munsters where Herman is dressed as a knight in full plate mail at a Halloween party, and he wins the award fro best costume, and he takes the helmet off and its Herman Munster, and they give him a 2nd award for having a double costume?

        Maybe that’s what happened to Drac. He had something special under his cape that put him ahead (the banana’s a hint)

      • scarina says:

        I’m kind of scared that I remembered that episode after your description. I could probably do math if I didn’t have all this useless tv info in my head.
        So Drac is dressed as a monkey under his regular vampire clothes?

      • FRC Ruben says:

        Oh….Yeah, I guess you could go the monkey route too

      • scarina says:

        Monkeys are always funnier than nude humans.

  4. Pingback: The Movie Didn’t Suck | Scarina's Scary Vault of Scariness

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