Battle Royale

Looks like I’m back and posting from vacation. Sorry for the delay. Honestly, I was feeling a little burned out. Everything in my life was a bit stressful, even horror movies, which is funny since they’re my stress relief. So I needed a brief break. I’m on vacation now, at my mom’s house. My mom has Netflix streaming so I’ve been seeing which movies they have that I’ve always wanted to see. The first one is the 2000 Japanese thriller Battle Royale.

First, let me make something clear. I really liked Battle Royale and look forward to reading the book and the manga. I also really liked The Hunger Games. I read the book back in 2008, after literally stumbling over a copy on Mercer St. in NYC. This was way back before anyone had even heard of the series. As it became more popular, I noticed some horror fans saying, “Oh, it’s just a Battle Royale rip-off!” My argument would be that people are allowed to have the same idea if the execution is different. I don’t even consider The Hunger Games movie to be in the same genre since they aimed for a PG-13 rating. In the end, it’s a very circular argument. You can say The Hunger Games ripped off Battle Royale which ripped off The Long Walk which ripped off The Most Dangerous Game and they all ripped off Theseus and the minotaur. There, now that that’s out of the way…
The story is set in a future Japan. Economic collapse has led to insecurity within Japan. Juvenile crime is skyrocketing and students are walking out of schools. The government passes the Battle Royale Act, which allows them to take a class of middle school kids, take them someplace isolated, and force them to fight to the death. The last one standing is the winner. They’re all wearing neck trackers which explode upon command or if they try to disable them.
The movie follows Shuya Nanahara (Tatsuya Fujiwara) as he tries to protect his best friend’s crush, Noriko Nakagawa (Aki Maeda). Not only does he have to fight fellow students who’ve embraced the games, particularly Ôki (Gouki Nishimura), Mitsuko (Kou Shibusaki), and Chigusa (Chiaki Kuriyama, you know her as Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill), who have become quite lethal, but murderous “transfer students” Kawada (Taro Yamamoto) and Kiriyama (Masanobu Ando.)
The students react to their situation in different ways. None of them have heard of the Battle Royale Act, this isn’t something they’ve ever been prepared for. Some commit suicide and absolutely refuse to participate. Some become lethal, like the aforementioned Ôki, Mitsuko, and Chigusa.

Mitsuko ^Source

Chigusa ^Source

Some work together to try to resist the urge to fight but are eventually undone by their paranoia.
The movie’s effects are cartoonish and over-the-top. There’s lots of blood. If you liked Suicide Club then I think you’ll like Battle Royale. What I liked was how video-game-like the movie was. The title font is reminiscent of an old Mario Bros. title. There’s also a video that the students watch with a perky lady explaining the rules, it was like a video game cut-scene.
The movie was based on a novel by Koushan Takami and directed by Kinji Fukasaku, who actually based the themes of the film on experiences he had fighting for Japan during World War Two. I think that his words speak better than mine.

In July 1945, we were caught up in artillery fire. Up until then, the attacks had been air raids and you had a chance of escaping from those. But with artillery, there was no way out. It was impossible to run or hide from the shells that rained down. We survived by diving for cover under our friends.
After the attacks, my class had to dispose of the corpses. It was the first time in my life I’d seen so many dead bodies. As I lifted severed arms and legs, I had a fundamental awakening … everything we’d been taught in school about how Japan was fighting the war to win world peace, was a pack of lies. Adults could not be trusted.
The emotions I experienced then–an irrational hatred for the unseen forces that drove us into those circumstances, a poisonous hostility towards adults, and a gentle sentimentality for my friends–were a starting point for everything since. This is why, when I hear reports about recent outbreaks of teenage violence and crimes, I cannot easily judge or dismiss them.
This is the point of departure for all my films. Lots of people die in my films. They die terrible deaths. But I make them this way because I don’t believe anyone would ever love or trust the films I make, any other way.
BATTLE ROYALE, my 60th film, returns irrevocably to my own adolescence. I had a great deal of fun working with the 42 teenagers making this film, even though it recalled my own teenage battleground. ^Source

I think this movie has a very powerful message that, as a thirty-year-old, I can relate to. I’m too young to remember Vietnam, yet my country, the U.S.A., has been involved in various secret wars since the decade I was born. I was in college when 9/11 happened and saw it used as a justification for war in Iraq. I’m certainly not a 9/11 truther, but there comes a time when you have to ask, who do you trust? Certainly not those in charge, since they’re the ones creating wars that people of my generation and social-class will be fighting. Because affluent men and women don’t go to fight in Iraq or Afghanistan. So even though this movie was based on experiences that are eighty-years-old, I can still relate to it.
This is also one of the reasons I love horror movies, it can tell stories that are relevant and still entertaining. While this movie is a serious film, it’s still massively enjoyable to watch. As a viewer, I found myself disturbed as I got caught up in the action when Kitano-sensei (Bito Takashi) would count down the dead and how many more were left to go.
Now I just can’t wait to read the book.

Terrible Toy #10

Posting is going to be delayed this week so here’s a terrible toy to play with.

A demonic drummer bear from “High Tension.”

House of the Dead (1978)

I feel bad for 1978’s House of the Dead. You say its name and people assume it’s the Uwe Boll movie. Its other name is Alien Zone, which makes absolutely no sense. There are no aliens involved in this anthology flick. I wonder if it was the pilot for some kind of t.v. show trying to be the next Night Gallery or Twilight Zone. That would explain why it was filmed in soap-opera vision.
You guys should be thankful for House of the Dead. It’s from my 50 Chilling Classics collection, which I’ve been watching alphabetically. I thought that I was up to Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter, but then I realized that I’d accidentally skipped House of the Dead. My entry about Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter is guaranteed to be sour because I hate these movies where Real Person Meets Fictitious Movie Monster. I blame Abbott and Costello for this trend. Why would Jesse James even be in a position to meet Frankenstein’s daughter (who doesn’t exist, btw)? Why not just make “Hitler Meets Dracula?” That actually sounds amazing and someone should make that movie. Anyway, you’ve been granted a temporary reprieve from crankiness.
First of all, I’d like to say that this movie is absurd. It isn’t a particularly well-filmed or acted movie. This isn’t Creepshow. Yet I genuinely enjoyed it and hope to one day find a print that doesn’t look like it was filmed through Yoo-hoo.
The movie is an anthology flick. The stories are book-ended by Talmudge (John Ericson), a plumber kind of person–it isn’t really clear–who’s having an affair. He also happens to be on his way to some convention.

I’d like to interrupt my regularly schedule recap to note that Ericson was a prominent actor who also posed in Playgirl.

^Source

That was for the laaaaaaadies.
Anyrecap, his taxi drops him off at the wrong place and he gets lost in the rain. He ends up meeting this sinister guy who totally glares at him.

Luckily, he’s found by an even more sinister guy (Ivor Francis) who invites Talmudge in to dry off.

It turns out that this guy is a mortician and Talmudge is deeply lucky because this mortician is going to violate about eight ethical rules and show him the bodies of the dead and tell him how they died. Talmudge is extra-special-maxi-with-wings lucky because the mortician swears that he gets the most interesting cases. I bet his Yelp ratings are through the roof.
So, here are the four stories.
1. Miss Sibiler
Miss Sibiler (Judith Novgrod) is the angriest teacher ever and she seems to hate children. That makes her choice of career a bit of a mystery. She goes home and starts to make angry dinner and listen to public domain jazz. But she keeps hearing noises. It becomes clear that someone is messing with her, She gets so scared that she has to take a shower, This isn’t a particularly gratuitous hot horror movie moment because she looks like Olive Oyl’s human body double. There is an actually creepy moment involving a shadow outside the shower curtain. She panics, runs downstairs and finds her nemeses, children. Children in creepy masks. Children in creepy masks with fright teeth. Or are they just children?

For a moment, I thought that the film-makers had made a mistake and just filmed a random angry woman. I’ve read several reviews of this movie and it seems like no one likes this segment, but I do, consarn it! The pacing felt the best of all the segments and it managed to deliver tension. Plus, the ending is all kinds of crazy. The final reveal with the kids sounds like a box full of poorly tuned radios and crickets. It makes no sense but I liked it.
2. Growski
Mr. Growski (Burr DeBenning) looks like Jack Tripper and is a camera creeper. Oh my god, guys, it’s Dr. Ted Stevens from The Incredible Melting Man. He’s the guy who goes “adjka!” and gets mad when his wife doesn’t buy crackers. AnyMST3Kreferenceway, Growski would so take upskirt pics if his character were in the present. He’s a creeper and a serial killer who films all of his kills.

This segment managed to be moderately creepy, but it’s interspersed with these scenes showing Growski being lead by the police and asked if he really killed the women, which kind of takes away from the surprise.
3. Detectives
Detective Malcolm Toliver (Charles Aidman) is the Best Criminologist Ever in the United States. Inspector McDowal (Bernard Fox) is the Best Criminologist Ever in the United Kingdom. McDowal comes to meet Toliver and compare methods. Toliver receives a note saying that someone close to him will die in three days and it’s up to him and McDowal to solve the case.

This segment felt overlong, especially once the ending became clear. However, the way the ending was filmed was interesting, This in no way makes up for how annoying Toliver’s New Yahk accent was.
4. Mr. Cantwell
Mr. Cantwell (Richard Gates) dislikes everyone. Sounds like my kind of guy! He’s completely rude to his secretary and dismisses a burger joint with 23 kinds of burgers (!) as “23 kinds of morons.” Am I the only one who wants to go to a 23 kinds of burgers place? Maybe I’m not the best judge, I’ve eaten at a restaurant devoted entirely to mac and cheese.
He leaves for lunch and is captured by some force that’s greater than him, which is the only way I can describe it. Everyone disappears, he’s pushed down an elevator shaft, and is attacked by a wall of nails.

He’s then trapped and fed nothing but liquor. When he’s finally released, a guy tells him to get a job. Just like Mr. Cantwell yelled at a vagrant! GET IT!?
This segment was definitely interesting but it doesn’t really match the tone of the other segments.
The movie ends with the mortician showing Talmudge an empty coffin. That could be for him! He runs out of the funeral home and realizes that it was actually the hotel. Wait, wat?
The ending makes about as much sense as the rest of the movie. That is, no sense. I still liked this movie, warts and all. This may just be my favorite movie in the 50 Chilling Classics set. Although nothing will beat Leslie Nielson’s sweater.

Cabin Fever

So, I’m back with Eli Roth’s 2002 directorial debut, the gross-out fest Cabin Fever. This movies been out for eleven years but I’m just seeing it now. I enjoyed it but I’m not sure it lived up to the hype that I’d heard about it. That being said, I love whenever someone with a passion for horror makes a horror movie.
The movie follows five, interchangeable college kids who rent a cabin in the woods to get down to sem serious partying after finals.


On their way, they encounter the dumb, seemingly racist yokels that live in the nearby town. Trouble doesn’t really begin until Burt (James DeBello) accidentally shoots a scabby, bloody hermit. The man begs Burt for help but Burt gets scared and then starts to purposely shoot him. The hermit reappears later that evening, begging for help, then trying to steal their car. It takes about five minutes for the well-to-do, educated college students to become violent. As the days pass (I counted four), starting with Karen (Jordan Ladd), they begin to succumb to the same bloody disease that the hermit had.

Whatever the disease is, it leaves you spewing blood and makes your limbs look like bloody kielbasas. They turn on each other almost as quickly as they turned on the homeless man. They lock Karen in the tool-shed, which seems really practical and mean. Jeff (Joey Kern) abandons the group and leaves with a bunch of beer. Paul (Rider Strong, yes, Shawn from Boy Meets World was in this) has sex with Marcy (Cerina Vincent), despite his romantic feelings for Karen. The movie becomes a kind of killer-disease/siege movie, as they deal with the murderous locals, each other, and the disease.
Burt eventually gets the car working well enough to get into town, which leads to the most random scene ever.

The movie basically has the main characters dropping like flies in creative ways, that I won’t divulge because you should see them.
I wonder how this movie feels to someone who isn’t a big fan of horror. The movie isn’t necessarily scary but it is gory and it pays homage to a few classic horror movies. The Evil Dead is the first obvious choice, with the isolated cabin, the need to isolate someone, and the freely spewing blood. The murderous hillbillies reminds me of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. The absolutely useless law enforcement reminded me of Last House on the Left. All Deputy Olsen cares about is partying.

The movie has the feel of an 80’s horror-comedy but the gore is amped way up. I liked it but, frankly, think it isn’t as hardcore as some people think. I also think it would have affected me more if I liked any of the characters but I honestly found them to be universally unlikable, except Karen. She has the worst friends ever. Here are some effects that I particularly liked;

Freddy Krueger skin is never a compliment.

There’s a reason the gore looks good, it was done by K.N.B. EFX Group.
I did notice something interesting in the opening credits. Angelo Badalamenti did several parts of the score, while Nathan Barr did the rest. If you’re a Twin Peaks fan then you probably know Badalamenti’s name, since he did the music for the show. I actually really liked the score. It was mostly tense strings that increased the tension with a few minutes of Badalamenti’s jazz and it all worked somehow.
This isn’t the deepest movie in the universe, but it’s a fun movie. What I appreciate about it is that it’s R-rated when it seems like horror movies of that time suffered from a severe case of the PG-13’s. Also, I honestly agree with Roth’s view that people really come apart in a crisis.

Fright Night (1985)

Every time I see a movie that I think is the most 1980’s movie ever committed to film, another one comes along and blows that one out of the water. This is the case with the original 1985 Fright Night. Fright Night exists in a universe where it’s ok for a girl to wear two different colored butterfly clips that hold barely any hair. Before now, I’d never actually sat down and saw the entire movie. I’d only ever caught parts of it on TBS and USA. Now I’m just so grateful that this movie exists in all its glorious eighties cheesiness.
William Ragsdale stars as Charley, a teenager living with his single mom. He’s a devoted horror fan who becomes suspicious one night when he sees a coffin being moved into the empty house next door.

Charley (William Ragsdale), Amy (Amanda Bearse), and Evil Ed (Stephen Geoffreys)

Charley is convinced that his new neighbor is a vampire after seeing a woman go into the neighbor’s house who later turns up dead. Charley tells his mom and his friends, he even tries to get the police involved, but they all dismiss him. Charley’s ex, Amy (Amanda Bearse) and best friend, Evil Ed (Stephen Geoffries), finally enlist horror host and washed-up movie star Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowall) to convince Charley that his neighbor isn’t a vampire.

Peter Vincent realizes that the neighbor, Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon) really is a vampire.

Not only does Jerry now have access to Charley’s house since Charley’s mom invited him in, but he has his sights set on Amy, who resembles a lost love (Don’t they always?)
First, Jerry turns Evil Ed into a vampire.

Then, he stalks Charley and Amy in a nightclub. Jerry seduces Amy and they touch butts. A lot.


It’s up to Charley and Peter to rescue Amy, using all the knowledge that they’ve accumulated from watching and starring in horror movies.
This movie is 28-years-old so the effects are a mixed bag. I liked the vampire effects on Jerry and Amy.


Evil Ed turning into a wolf was also pretty cool. Some are less good, like when Jerry turns into a bat and it looks like he turns into a giant claymation flying dog.
What I like about this movie is that it’s kind of like Scream before Scream existed. The characters get their information from horror movies and their are lots of little nods to past horror canon. The mysterious stranger moving into town with his toadie reminds me of the novel of Dracula. Actually, in this movie, it feels like ‘Salem’s Lot with Barlow and Straker, especially when Jerry tells Peter that his crucifix won’t work unless he has faith. I especially liked the name “Peter Vincent,” a shout-out to Peter Cushing and Vincent Price. Chris Sarandon’s performance is particularly good. He makes a character that doesn’t have a lot of lines or back-story interesting.
Okay, since I’ve gotten the good parts out of the way here’s the bad info. There are plot-holes you could drive a truck through. If Charley is such a big horror fan, then why does Evil Ed have to explain how to protect yourself against vampires? The movie doesn’t say how old Jerry is but shouldn’t an experienced vampire now how to move from town to town without leaving the longest trail of corpses? Some parts of the movie also felt heavy-handed, like Jerry’s wall of cuckoo clocks. And what was Billy Cole (Jonathon Stark) supposed to be? He could go out in the sun but crumbled to dust when staked in the heart. He also had Hi-C Ecto-Cooler blood.
The ending of the movie leaves it wide open for a sequel. Fright Night 2 actually exists but it doesn’t follow Evil Ed as a vampire, since Stephen Geoffries was working on 976-Evil at the time. What I ended up taking away from this movie is that if I have vampire problems, I should call Anthony Stewart Head.

Interview with the Vampire

I know I said this in another post but the mid 1980’s through the early 1990’s were a great time to be alive if you liked vampire movies. You could have your vampires funny (The Lost Boys and Buffy the Vampire Slayer), scary (Near Dark), or both (Fright Night.) The 1994 Neil Jordan feature Interview with the Vampire added gorgeous to the list. I’ve loved this movie for so long that I can’t even remember if I read the book first or saw the movie first. I’m pretty sure it was a staple of slumber parties while growing up. Since I love this movie and book so much, I think I should warn you that this is probably the most biased entry I’ve ever written.
The movie opens with a long shot of San Francisco at night and eventually closes in on Louis (Brad Pitt) in a room with Daniel Malloy (Christian Slater.) Louis admits that he was hunting Daniel but when he realized that Daniel was a reporter he instead decided to tell him his life story.

Louis became a vampire in 1791, while in a deep depression over the death of his wife and child (A difference from the book that I promise I’ll nitpick later.) He’s living dangerously, even by 1790’s standards, and manages to attract the attention of a vampire, Lestat (Tom Cruise.)

I love the classic vampire pose.

Lestat offers Louis “the choice I never had,” (Oh, Lestat, you great drama queen), which Louis accepts. Louis becomes an immortal vampire, though he’s less accepting of his need to hunt humans to quench his blood lust. The movie follows the pair as Lestat tries to teach Louis how to vamp.
One night, Louis finds a child, Claudia (Kirsten Dunst), and drinks from her without killing her. Lestat takes Claudia and turns her into a vampire, knowing that Louis would never leave the child.

The trio lives in relative peace until Claudia realizes that she’s never going to grow up and is trapped with the mind of a full-grown woman in a child’s body. Claudia directs her fury at Lestat who she tries to kill–twice–before travelling to Europe with Louis in search of more vampires.
Louis and Claudie both meet their fate in Paris at the hands of the Théâtre des Vampires and its leader, the 400-year-old Armand (Antonio Banderas.)

Armand allows the coven to execute Claudia for killing Lestat, knowing that Louis will take his vengeance on them, with the hope that Louis will become his new companion. Louis chooses to face the future alone and we see him living through the 1900’s to the present (Well, 1990’s.)
I love this movie to death. I think that part of the reason is that I found it as a preteen. When you’re young and disappointed with everything, you want to be special and chosen, this movie and series offers a ray of hope that maybe one day you can be beautiful and powerful. I’m just glad that I was way too old for Twilight. Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyer both like purple prose and beautiful immortals, although I like Anne Rice’s much more because they manage to do vampire stuff and aren’t neutered.
That being said, I think that the movie actually holds up well, especially when you realize that it’s almost twenty-years-old. I particularly love the music. It’s an orchestra mixed with a boys’ choir and I think it manages to capture the pain that Louis feels as he ages.
The visuals are also gorgeous. I’ve always been particularly fond of the scene after Louis is changed and the statue seems to stare at him.

The costuming really stuns me. Sometimes I’ll watch a period piece and I’ll be really annoyed because I’ll notice that a fabric color didn’t exist then or a hairstyle wasn’t popular then, but watching this movie reminds me of paintings from the time period.
Stan Winston Studios did the effects and I think they’ve aged well. Here are some of my favorite shots:

Lestat, back from the grave. Again.

Claudia burning.

Claudia and Madeleine’s remains.

What I think really anchors this movie for me are its performances. Honestly, I think that Brad Pitt is acceptable in the movie. Frankly, he comes off as very flat but I can accept that in a character who’s probably been clinically depressed since forever. As much as I hate to admit it, I really love Tom Cruise in this movie. Actually, this is probably the only movie of his that I like. Anne Rice wasn’t pleased with him being cast as Lestat but upon screening the movie she actually wrote him and apologized. Tell me he doesn’t win the movie as Lestat.



He’s just so meme-able.

The other performance that sells the movie is Kirsten Dunst as Claudia. I honestly haven’t seen a lot of what she’s done as a grown actor, and what I’ve seen hasn’t impressed me, and I wonder if she’ll ever create something as awesome as her performance in this movie. She moves from doll-like innocence to ruthlessness and cold fury. Dunst was twelve when she was in the movie but manages to portray a character who’s a grown woman effectively.


The screenplay was written by Anne Rice and Neil Jordan so it’s actually mostly faithful to the books, unlike the abortion known as Queen of the Damned, which I definitely won’t be reviewing. As a reader of the books, two things really stick out to me. The first is the source of Louis’ grief at the beginning. In the book, Louis is arguing with his younger brother, a pious young man who claimed to have religious visions. His brother slipped on the stairs and died and Louis always carried that grief with him, not only that his brother died while arguing, but the fact that he never believed him. That makes grieving over a wife lost in childbirth seem kind of shallow by comparison. The other issue for me is the casting of Armand. In the books, he’s described as appearing sixteen-years-old, although he’s actually 400-years-old. You know who doesn’t look like that?

Those nails! EEEW.

I just think it’s creepier when Armand looks sixteen but you realize he’s older than any of the vampires you’ve been introduced to and that he’s absolutely ruthless.
I guess those are small nitpicks, though, especially when a book you love is turned into a movie. So, if you haven’t read the book or seen the movie, I absolutely recommend them. I also recommend this recent release, Interview with the Vampire: Claudia’s Story. It’s a manga of the events in Interview with the Vampire, as told from Claudia’s perspective. It gave me insight into her character and was actually made with the blessing (Although, not the input) of Anne Rice. The illustrations are lush, mostly sepia-tones with hints of red, and the actual book looks like something that would belong in Lestat and Louis’ library.

Scarinas Vault Etsy Shop

Those of you who know me in real life know that I’ve been drawing since forever. You were more likely to find doodles in my class notebooks than actual notes. I have no formal art education but I work with art materials on a daily basis and have developed a cool and unique style. So, I finally decided to open an Etsy shop. You can find me at http://www.etsy.com/shop/ScarinasVault or just by typing “ScarinasVault” into the search option. I’m selling sketch-cards of scenes from my favorite scary movies for $5.00 per card plus a cool $1.00 for shipping. This is a chance to support a local, unrepresented (i.e. I have no gallery or manager) artist for a highly affordable price. I currently have nine cards up but I’m hoping to add at least one per week. Everything is signed and numbered so if I hit it big then this is your chance to say “I have an original!” This is why posting has been a bit sporadic lately. Here are some of my favorite pieces.




Happy shopping!

Open House

I tend to forget why I add movies to my Netflix queue. I’d say that half of them are from reading reviews, a quarter are from jumping around the Netflix website, and the last quarter are word of mouth. So, when Open House (2010) showed up in the mail, I had no memory of selecting it. I figured it was my love of serial killer duos and watched the movie. The first clue that the movie wasn’t that good was that the trailers were all for shitty revenge movies starring UFC fighters. I really wanted to like the movie and I’m seriously disappointed that I just didn’t enjoy it.
Rachel Blanchard stars as Alice, a woman going through a nasty divorce with her husband, Josh (Stephen Moyer.) She throws a dinner party for all of her woodenly-dialogued friends–including Anna Paquin (The director’s sister) as her ragged-looking friend, Jennie. I hate spelling “Jennie” that way. I bet she dots the “i” with a heart.
Alice wakes up from her wine-coma to find her house empty. But she feels like she’s being watched. Her suspicions are confirmed when she finds Jennie dead on the basement floor. It turns out that her open house attracted a pair of serial killers, Lila (Tricia Helfer) and David (Brian Geraghty), who go to open houses, kill the owners, live in the houses for a while, and then move on. That seems insanely convoluted and like it would leave a trail a mile long.
Lila is definitely in charge, although it’s strongly implied that David isn’t happy with her. Unbeknownst to Lila, he keeps Alice alive in a crawl-space where she’s a witness to their crazy love.
I could deal with the plot-holes that you could drive a truck through if this movie were in any way compelling. But I couldn’t find myself caring about the characters and was confounded by their utter lack of motivation.
My first problem was the house itself. If you’re going to call your movie Open House then the house had better be a character in the movie. The Changeling, The Haunting, and The Shining all have different stories but are united by the fact that the physical location is as important as the actors. This house is boring, forgettable, and stocked with art that you could get at the starving artist sale at the Marriott.

This young couple supposedly put their hopes and dreams in this house but it barely looks like it’s been lived in. Aside from that, the crawl-space that Alice is kept in doesn’t even look like it’s part of the house. It’s a glaringly old-fashioned anachronism in a super-modern Hollywood home.
The second problem is our duo of killers. Lila seems to be the driving force of the pair, but why?

I don’t want to hear about her bad childhood but it would be nice to have an idea of what made her tick. There aren’t even any similarities between her victims.
David, meanwhile, is mostly silent.

I don’t think we hear his voice until about thirty minutes into the film and he’s surprisingly quiet. Honestly, I think that Brian Geraghty’s performance is the best and kind of wish that they’d cut Lila entirely. He’s often shot from below and I think that’s to increase his physical presence. They show him lifting weights a few times and it’s very Patrick Bateman-lite.

But, like Lila, I have no clue what makes him tick. With his buttoned-down, white shirts and Freddy-from-Scooby-Doo-hair, I feel like they’re going for a tightly wound, John List type but The Stepfather did it better. He claims to dislike Lila, wants to be away from her, and talks to Alice about running away with him. He says he’s not like Lila but he can be more brutal than her.
Mostly, though, I felt nothing for our final girl, Alice. She’s poorly characterized before she’s even taken hostage and she just fades away as her ordeal continues. I was left with no one to root for.
I was mostly left wondering what universe would these serial killers succeed in? They call Alice’s job and say they’re her doctor and that she has laryngitis. But then they kill Jennie, and Josh, and Alice’s housekeepers, and Alice’s realtor. How long would it really take for people to notice that everyone connected with Alice is dying? And how many people have seen Lila and David around town? Don’t Alice’s neighbors notice that she’s not around, doesn’t seem to have moved out, but this new couple are all over her house?
The worst part for me is that this movie had decent parts. There were parts that didn’t suck and that made the parts that did suck stand out in even brighter contrast. I particularly liked the part when David attacks a group of people at a dinner party that Lila holds (Don’t even ask, I can’t with her.) You don’t see anything, you just hear screams and thumps. It was very effective, especially in a genre that can show too much. I honestly wish that the ending were different. (SPOILER ALERT) I wish that Alice killed Lila and then she moved on with David as his new partner in crime. That feels perverse enough that it could maybe save the movie. The music was quite beautiful, although I’m a bit of a sucker for a cello. I could listen to the movie’s music as long as I never have to watch this movie again.

Terrible Toy #9

Posting is going to be delayed thanks to the Sherlock season one finale. Seriously, 2 hours and 15 minutes for a season finale? Cumberbatch better be jumping out of windows and setting things on fire. So here’s a terrible toy to hold you all over.

Sadly, I can’t remember what movie this came from. If anyone can remember seeing this creepy dolly, feel free to drop a line.

Near Dark

Hey, remember that time when vampires would kill people and drink their blood? If you’re under twenty, then there’s a chance that you may think that all vampires do is mope and play baseball with their family. Well, you’re WRONG. Also, I’m sorry, the public education system did you a disservice. If you’re a fan of vampire movies, then you know that the 1980’s and 1990’s were some of the best times to be alive if you liked vampires. Near Dark wasn’t very popular in 1987, when it came out, but it’s become a cult classic and is definitely worth watching.
Adrian Pasdar stars as Caleb, a young man in a small midwestern town.

He runs into a young drifter named Mae (Jenny Wright) one night who bites him, after he gets a bit rapey. Seriously, guys, don’t be like Caleb.

Caleb gets home so late that the sun is coming up. You notice he’s starting to smoke until the dirtiest, grossest looking Winnebago ever pulls up in front of him and kidnaps Caleb. It turns out that Mae’s a vampire and her vampire family is half the cast of Aliens. Bill Paxton, aKa Hudson, plays Severen, the cool sociopath.

Lance Henriksen and Jenette Goldstein (aKa Bishop the android and Vasquez) play the couple Jesse and Diamondback.

Joshua John Miller rounds out the cast as Homer, the child vampire. You may remember him as Louise’s little brother in the cult classic Teen Witch. This vampire family basically makes up for how milquetoast Caleb and Mae are.
They kidnap Caleb to see if he can be a part of their family. They basically roam throughout the country, stealing cars and shooting up bars. I like this unique take on the vampire mythos, where they’re basically dirty drifters living like addicts. That being said, I think that the addiction metaphor was a little too heavy-handed. Also, the movie has some serious pacing issues. The first forty-five minutes are almost infuriating although the last forty-five minutes rock. The movie is actually directed by Katheryn Bigelow, you may recognize her as the woman winning all the awards for The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty. It’s one of her first movies, which I guess explains the pacing issues. Plus, she was friends with James Cameron then, before she married him, and he recommended the ensemble of Henriksen, Goldstein, and Paxton. So there’s that, thanks James Cameron. Seriously, because they do an awesome job playing the grossest vampires you’ve ever seen. I’ll admit, I loved seeing non-aristocratic vampires. I love Anne Rice, but it’s like all her vampires are rich by default. I just feel bad that I can’t introduce Homer to Claudia.
Even though this movie is 26-years-old it still feels refreshing. Probably because most vampire movies today seem to be aimed at teens and are pretty neutered. These vampires are brutal. I wasn’t kidding when I said they basically slaughter an entire bar. My favorite scene is when Jesse gets shot and he spits up the bullets and hands them back to the person who shot him.
Plus, Lance Henriksen makes this face.

He also has a magnificent rat-rail. Why isn’t Lance Henriksen in every movie, dammit?
So, watch this movie if you want a different take on the vampire story. I was mostly neutral to it when I first saw it but it’s actually grown on me. I really like it now.