Hey, remember that time I set a kind of crazy slasher-movie watching challenge? And I enjoyed them all but then I got to the one dud? Yeah, 2006’s Bloody Mary is the dud. It’s so rare that a movie that isn’t by Mills Creek inspires this kind of rage.
Do you like movies that have capes and fright nails from Party City? Then Bloody Mary is the movie for you.
Do you like movies with acting that isn’t fit for Baywatch Nights? Then Bloody Mary is the movie for you.
Do you like the color green? Then Bloody Mary is the movie for you because 75% of it was filmed in Green Vision.
The movie starts with some ceremony by some forty-year-old nursing students…? Or regular nurses, it isn’t very clear. Nicole (Jessica Von) has to go through a tunnel, nude, and play the Mirror Game. Don’t nurses have actual work to do? Why are they up to these shenanigans? How come no one misses them?
She’s never seen again so her sister, hardened crime-writer Natalie Fitzgerald (Kim Tyler) shows up to find her. The leader of the nurses, Jenna (Danni Hamilton) forces the other nurses to be silent and works for Bloody Mary. I’m not sure how, exactly, neither her nor Bloody Mary seem to gain anything. You think Jenna would have all kinds of unearthly power but she doesn’t. And Bloody Mary is basically a cardboard silhouette and occasionally a guy dressed as a woman wearing a cloak.
Jenna could be over-the-top and awesome as a villain, like Judy from Sleepaway Camp but all the actors seem to use the Kristen Stewart Method of acting. Take half a Xanax, down a shot of Nyquil, and then read all of your lines phonetically. So even hilariously awful lines like, “Take your clothes off, bitch” are just really boring.
The movie has about three locations–the entrance to the hospital, the apartment that Natalie is staying at, and the hallway with the pit to the tunnel to the mirror. Events happen at these places and are strung together on film but I can’t care about any of them.
Nurses disappear as Jenna gets crazier and crazier. I don’t know who dies or when they die because all the characters are utterly interchangeable. Scooter dies! Who’s Scooter? I…don’t know.
Cory Monteith plays Paul, a guy who paints himself while nude.
Am I the only one who thinks that painting while nude is a bad idea? What if you get paint on your ding-dong? Do you really want to put turpentine near your junk?
He dies because of reasons. Something is killing people, gauging out their eyes, and storing them in a cabinet in neat little jars. Is it Bloody Mary, a mental patient that died years ago? Kind of, there’s also a subplot about a doctor killing people for reasons we’re never told. Bloody Mary, you are convoluted. All I know is that by the time the movie was over, I wasn’t just hoping it would end. I was hoping the world would end. Wikipedia mentions that at the end Natalie finds out that Bloody Mary was her mother. I have no memory of this happening whatsoever. I feel like there was a reading I was supposed to do before I watched the movie. Did anyone else get a handout?
This movie wants to be Ringu so badly and it’s not even close. It’s not even The Grudge 2. We get all these artsy shots but I don’t think I know anything about these characters. Nothing illuminates their lives.
The only person that tries to add anything to his performance is this guy. I have no clue what his character’s name is, just that he’s southern and threatens to “Open a 50-gallon drum of whoop-ass in a New York minute” on one guy.
He’s hilariously over-the-top but it was just such a nice change from emotionless line readings.
On the plus side, I have a new appreciation for Bill Rebane. It made me want to rewatch The Demons of Ludlow because that movie has all the fright nails and I will never, ever forget what a special relationship we have.
Until then, I bind you, Bloody Mary, from doing harm against yourself, and harm against others.
Past Slashermas Offerings;
Dark Night of the Scarecrow
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
Who can Kill a Child?
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
- Scarina--the authoress and editrix of this site. I like scary movies and have dedicated my free time to cataloging horror--the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes there are books too.
There's film criticism, literary criticism, and humor here. I can be highbrow but there's lots of pop culture too. And feminism.
I fervently love "Twin Peaks" and wish it were a real place so I could move there. I can't list my favorite scary movies because they change depending on my mood, the season, and how much coffee I've had.
I'm an artist looking for ways to blend creepy with cute. I try to channel my childhood nightmares, my love of horror, and my experiences with sleepy paralysis.
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