Terrible Toy # 7

I’ll be home for the holidays for the first time in about four years, so I’m going to take a brief break from posting. Here’s a toy for while I’m gone.

That’s a creepy octopus that will probably strangle you in your sleep, from the Italian rip-off of The Exorcist, Beyond the Door. Remember, the movie with Juliet Mills and her son who drinks cold soup like it’s soda? The movie with the scene where a guy chases another guy while playing the flute with his nose. I’m suddenly really nostalgic to watch this ridiculous movie again, I need to get a copy for myself.
When I get back, I’m doing something special. I’ve decided to do a steel-cage match between Manhunter, the first Hannibal Lecter movie made (Although “Lecter” is spelled “Lektor” in the film), versus Red Dragon, the prequel to The Silence of the Lambs. Two shall enter the steel-cage o’ death, only one shall emerge victorious. Michael Mann versus Brett “rehearsal is for f*gs^” Ratner. Holy cats, I just noticed that Brett Ratner directed Red Dragon. I’m actually cackling imagining a Brett Ratner movie versus a Michael Mann movie. So, if you want to see more wibbly-eyed cartoons of iconic movies, then you should stay tuned. I mean it, I’m cartooning the fuck out of the casts of both movies.
Also, for your holiday pleasure, I’ve compiled a list to get you through the season. I’m so happy to be going home to see my mom. She’s my bestie–but not in a Norman Bates kind of way–and part of the sane quarter of my family. My job normally keeps me from seeing mom during the holidays, so I end up visiting the beloved but intensely crazy quarter of my family. I need lots of whiskey, a warm blanket, and awesome movies to get me through the cold winter holiday nights. So here are my recommendations, to you. Happy monkey!
Do you want to party?
Black Christmas (1974)–A sorority house is stalked by a killer around Christmas time. I never saw the remake, even though it has Carrie Fischer.
Want to get away from it all?
Jaws: The Revenge–Remember, one of the sons is killed by the shark around Christmas. Enjoy your vacation with Michael Caine and Thea the Demon-Child.
Want to get even more away from it all?
The Shining–It’s not around Christmas but it’s cold and isolated. Plus, Danny has cornered the market in awesome sweater swag.
Want to get even MORE away from it all?
The Thing–Is Antarctica far away enough from your family? Plus, R.J. MacReady has all the liquor that was taken from the Overlook.
Are you the outdoors type>
Frozen–A bottle-episode thriller about being stuck in a chairlift.
Cold Prey–Another scary movie about the dangers of skiing. Come for the compound fractures, stay for the pyscho stalking the abandoned lodge.
Every Annual Gift Day, I watch MST3K’s Mexican Santa Clause episode. I highly recommend it, it has Santa Clause fighting the devil. Also, Santa is friends with Merlin, lives in outer space, and spies on everyone. Instead of elves, he has children from every country making his toys. It’s as if a Dadaist made a movie after drinking Tom Wolfe’s electric Kool-Aid acid drink. The movie includes a scene that would make the most racist minstrel show blush–Tintin in the Congo and The Adventures of Two Dutch Dolls and a Golliwogg, I am looking at you.
^I’m not normally the type of person to censor myself. If you’ve been reading me enough or know me in real life, you know that I work blue. But I hate the word “f*gs.” I mean, the word with the “a” between the “f” and the “g.” In general, I have no problem with figs or their delicious cookies.


About scarina

I like scary movies a little too much. I thought I'd share my obsession with you.
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4 Responses to Terrible Toy # 7

  1. Fear Street says:

    I look forward to upcoming cage match. I WANT BLOOD.

    Very merry holidays!

  2. Amiee says:

    Enjoy your Christmas with your mum! I also look forward to the fight, and haven’t seen 4 of your recommendations even though the weather is telling me to jump in the pool, maybe an air conditioned lounge room would be better :)

    • scarina says:

      Oh, it’ll be intense.
      Oh yeah, you’re in Australia, aren’t you? Jealous. Winter hasn’t been to bad this year, but last week it started to get really cold. It’s been 20 or 30 degrees every day.
      LoL watch the movies!

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