I Love “The Golden Girls” Much More than You Do

The title of this post is accurate. I love that show probably much more than you. That’s just something that you’re going to have to deal with. I love The Golden Girls to the point where I can recite plot points and lines. I can tell you which famous people have guest-starred in episodes. My college roommates all had to deal with the fact that if The Golden Girls were on t.v. then that was what I was going to watch. I grew up watching the show when it initially aired although I didn’t understand any of the innuendo. Damn, those broads had a lot of sex. Way more sex than I’m having now. But they still made me laugh. I will always, always choose The Golden Girls over Sex in the City.

What does this have to do with anything?, you’re probably asking yourself right now. Well, you have some nerve. Also, it does have to do with the movie that I watched. One of the Girls was in the movie I chose, 1999’s Lake Placid. So there.
This movie has gotten mixed-to-negative reviews but I’ve always been fond of it. It doesn’t take itself seriously and while there aren’t a lot of real scares, there is some pretty cool gore. Plus, it has Betty White spouting out some seriously filthy lines. I’ve taken it upon myself to catalog these lines, but that will come later. So you have to read the rest of the post to get to the dirty lines.
At heart, I think it’s a tongue-in-cheek homage to the monster movies of the fifties and the eco-horror movies of the seventies, with a killer crocodile as the monster. There are several stock characters that appear in these films.
First, there’s the local law. This part is played by Brandon Gleeson (Who you remember as the dad from 28 Days Later.

Mad-Eye Moody moonlights as a muggle sheriff.

Bill Paxton Pullman is an officer from the Fish and Games Department tasked with trying to figure out what killed a local researcher. His job is to clash moderately with the local law.
Kelly, played by Bridget Fonda, is the uptight, fish out of water, paleontologist sent to investigate a tooth found in the corpse. She’s the romantic interest and will be paired with Paxton Pullman. You can measure how much she loosens-up as her French twist progresses into a messy ponytail.
The requisite eccentric millionaire is played by Oliver Platt. Much of his time is spent doing what I like to call “Ian Malcom-ing,” which is making everyone seem down-to-earth compared to him.

If this movie were made 10 years later then Oliver Platt's part would be played by Zach Galifianakis.

He also serves as a source of conflict, fighting with Hank and alleging that he had sex with Kelly. But he provides equipment that they need and genuinely knows what he’s doing so he stays around.
Finally, Betty White plays Delores Bickerman, the local eccentric.

This movie is a lot of fun if you view it as a horror-comedy. The people are drawn with broad strokes, but are still effective at the parts that they play. And even if it is a comedy, as if that’s a bad thing, we still get to see some beautiful photography and cool special effects.

His guts are just hanging out, that’s some wicked gore for a mainstream movie from a major studio.

This movie has a certain audacity that you have to appreciate. At one point, the crocodile jumps out of the water and chomps the head off of a deputy. Just the head. At another part, there’s a fight between a grizzly bear and the crocodile. Sure, grizzlies don’t extend that far east (The movie’s set in Maine) but it looked pretty awesome. The crocodile also gets into two fights with a helicopter. Take THAT Jaws 2.

I don’t want to spoil the ending because there is a twist. Although, since the movie’s been out for twelve years there’s a good chance that you may have heard about the ending at the beauty salon or on the streets. I don’t know, I can’t judge your life.
Now, I did promise a list of all of Betty White’s filthy lines so here they are. Thanks for reading this far (And if you just scrolled down then may your scrolling finger blacken and fall off.)

“If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”
“Thank you, officer fuck meat.”
“You’re all cocksuckers!”
“I’m rooting for the crocodile, I hope he swallows your friends whole.” I guess the last one isn’t filthy but it’s funny.


About scarina

I like scary movies a little too much. I thought I'd share my obsession with you.
This entry was posted in 1990's, creatures, eco-horror and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I Love “The Golden Girls” Much More than You Do

  1. Fear Street says:

    So far from St. Olaf…

  2. Thomas D. says:

    My favorite Golden Girls moment is when Burt Reynolds shows up to pick up Estelle Getty, and asks “which one is the slut?” The other three quickly raise their hands.

    I haven’t seen Lake Placid, so I have nothing to say on that.

    No wonder Betty and the girls got laid so much, saying things like “officer fuck meat”. If you’re having trouble getting dates, maybe try yelling that out in a crowd. Then again, maybe that’s a bad idea.

    • scarina says:

      That whole episode is made of win. I love the jail scene when they’re arrested with all the hookers.
      The movie is pure frivolity, not even too scary but pretty funny.
      Hmm, there is that one scene when the Girls are all shopping and Dorothy tries to convince them to by condoms and ends up shouting, “Condoms, Rose, condoms, condoms, condoms!” And SHE married Leslie Nielson.

  3. Amiee says:

    I like how this movie didn’t take itself seriously but still gave (me) some scares. I was never into Golde Girls, but Rose was always my favourite.

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