So, I watched the last movie in the Jaws quadrilogy. If you thought that Jaws 3D was bad, this one was positively abortion inducing. I’d like to start a class-action lawsuit against the makers of this film.
The first thing that you learn about this movie is that there’s absolutely no continuity with Jaws 3D. Michael Brody is no longer an engineer building death-trap amusement parks, he’s now a marine biologist. His wife, Carla, isn’t a dolphin trainer, she’s an artist who creates terrible abstract sculptures. Sean Brody is no longer afraid of the water, in fact, he’s a deputy on the Amity sheriff’s department. This family has had three terrible encounters with sharks, you think that by now they’d move someplace more landlocked. But no, Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary, the only returning cast-member from the original film) still lives on Amity. Marty died of a heart-attack. Hopefully, he screamed, “Smile, you son of a bitch!” when he died. Although, after a shark chomps Sean’s arm off and then kills him, Ellen states that she’s convinced that Marty died of fear.
And, can I say that Sean’s death is the most pathetic death ever. He’s reaching out to untangle a buoy and the shark jumps up and bites his arm off. But he’s still in the boat. So instead of getting a tourniquet for his nub and driving back to shore, he screams and screams and leans over the edge so the shark grabs him. I’m not saying I’d be perfectly reasonable if a shark bit off my arm, but he’s a cop. He knows about tourniquets right? I like to think I’d scream and scream while tying my arm up.
So Michael, his wife, Carla, and their demon-child Thea visit Ellen and convince her to visit the Bahamas where they live. Can I tell you that I hate Thea so much? I think she’s supposed to be precocious comic-relief but she’s more like rough sand in your eyes. I was really going to rip into her but then I found out that her father killed her a year after the movie came out so…there goes that plan. I guess I don’t feel right making fun of a dead six-year-old the way I would a living six-year-old.
Lorraine Gary stated that she took the role because she was interested in further exploring Ellen Brody’s character. But there are really only three states that Ellen goes through in this movie. Ellen mourning Sean. Ellen hysterically begging Michael to get another job away from the water. And Ellen falling in love with Hoagie, the lovable pilot played by Michael Caine. You know, Michael Caine missed receiving his Oscar for Hannah and her Sisters because he was filming this load. Now you know.
Oh, can I tell you, to add insult to injury, there’s a rip-off of the really cute mime scene that originally occurred between Sean and Marty Brody in the original movie. You just had to add salt to the wound, didn’t you, Joseph Sargent? JERK.
Anyway, a great white shark shows up. In the Caribbean, even though they like cold water. And it swam thousands of miles within three days. Michael’s ultra-annoying assistant, played by Mario Van Peebles, convinces him to study the shark. Uhm, isn’t their grant to study molluscs? Won’t the grant-writers be pretty peeved when their report comes back and it’s not about molluscs?
This is the face of our doom. The muppety face of our doom.
There’s an underwater chase in a wrecked ship that I’m pretty sure the director lifted from The Little Mermaid, except the one in The Little Mermaid had more tension. My apathy was palpable by this point in the movie. The characters are boring and the movie just isn’t scary. I can deal with not liking the characters if there are scares to be had. I mean, I enjoyed Frozen. The shark finally has the nerve to attack a banana boat that Thea was riding, so Ellen snaps and steals Michael’s boat.
I don’t know what she thinks she’s going to do. It’s not like she has a gun or a ray-gun or even a pocket knife. Hoagie tracks her down with Michael and Jake and the shark eats the plane. Jake has a plan to stick a thing with a thing in the shark’s mouth–I’m really not clear, I kind of wasn’t paying attention. All I know is that the shark plucks Jake from the bow of the ship while everyone on board screams in the slowest slow-mo possible. Then Ellen rams the shark with the boat and the shark explodes. …The hell? Did I just write that? I had no idea that sharks were so explosive, that must be why they’re endangered. And this is what it looks like when you poke a shark with a boat, apparently.
This movie delivers more “what’s?” per minute than any other big budget studio film I’ve seen. I can understand why some of the movies in my Mills Creek pack make no sense, I can understand why the Roger Corman movies I’ve seen make no sense, but what is this movie’s excuse? I mean, Ellen has flashbacks to other people’s memories of events that she didn’t participate in.
If you think about it, the shark has the right to revenge. I mean, Marty Brody killed two sharks, Michael Brody killed two sharks, that’s at least four sharks in three movies. It seems like the sharks are losing.
Dear god, I hate you Jaws: The Revenge. I’m supposed to get Hobgoblins next from Netflix and that movie will look like Shakespeare compared to this. Ok, maybe not. But at least it will be funny.