Yeah, my title makes no sense today. What of it? Who are you to judge me? It especially makes no sense when applied to the movie that I watched…
Sadly, I was just born in 1983, the year the movie came out, so I never had a chance to see it in eyeball-raping 3D. Doesn’t that make you feel old, everyone who’s older than me? Ha! Old! Except for everyone who’s younger than me, you can allllll suck it. *Ahem* Anyway…
I have fond memories of when TNT or TBS–one of those stations–would show this movie all the time. It’s one of those movies where I would drop everything I was doing to watch it and laugh. Seriously, this movie is eight-levels of awful but I still love it.
Do you know who wrote the original script to this movie? The script that they trashed? Richard Fucking Matheson, that’s who! Can you believe they trashed that? For those who don’t know, Matheson wrote the original novella for I Am Legend, a bunch of Twilight Zone episodes, and a lot of short stories. I’ve read a lot of his work, it’s pretty good. “Prey” still manages to scare me. THAT was turned into the Amelia-story in Trilogy of Terror. Geez, I’m tangenting all over the place today.
Anyway, the plot is simple. Mike Brody, played by Dennis Quaid (I have a hard time remembering that he’s the not-crazy Quaid), is some kind of engineer/architect/welder hybrid at the state-of-the-art SeaWorld park owned by Calvin Bouchard (Louis Gossett Jr.!). It’s the park’s opening weekend when a baby great white shark and its mama sneak in. And that’s about it. Everything is very, very eighties. The characters are all incredibly unlikable, the dialogue is stilted, the jokes, are unfunny, and the visuals are weird.
I know that you can watch recent 3D movies at home in 3D if you choose. My copy of Coraline came with glasses and a 3D option. But I guess that’s not possible with eighties technology. So you end up with lots of weird shots, like this:
I guess that this would be moderately alarming in 3D, maybe. I’m still not sure that they didn’t just film some person waving a paper shark taped to a popsicle stick.
Sometimes, the film was slowed down a lot and this shows in some of the scenes with the dolphins and most of the shark scenes. Like when the shark attacked command in the slowest-motion possible. It was almost as slow as the beating scene in Devil Times Five.
Also, I’m not sure that they should have built their entire command center out of sugar glass.
I just like this shot because it’s Louis Gossett Jr. sandwiched in an alarming amount of man cleavage. It’s a little too much decolletage for my taste.
I was going to use this final picture to crack wise about the real-life Fudgy the Whale. But then I took the screenshot and was editing it to size when I noticed something in the background.
Why the heck is there a Slender Man in the pic? That’s about 80 times scarier than the actual shark. And finding that was the scariest part of Jaws 3.
- Scarina--the authoress and editrix of this site. I like scary movies and have dedicated my free time to cataloging horror--the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes there are books too.
There's film criticism, literary criticism, and humor here. I can be highbrow but there's lots of pop culture too. And feminism.
I fervently love "Twin Peaks" and wish it were a real place so I could move there. I can't list my favorite scary movies because they change depending on my mood, the season, and how much coffee I've had.
I'm an artist looking for ways to blend creepy with cute. I try to channel my childhood nightmares, my love of horror, and my experiences with sleepy paralysis.
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