The Movie Felt Like Hell

This is my first entry for the Final Girl film club. It’s like sitting at the popular kids’ table at the cafeteria.

The movie was Hellbound and starred Chuck Norris. I have something to add to the very long list of facts about Chuck Norris.

It’s not catchy but it’s true.
There’s a very long scrolling explanation before the movie that’s approximately as long as a Sweet Valley High book. And it’s not short and catchy like “A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away but somehow in the future with space ships…” The movie starts Way Back When during the Crusades. King Richard the Lionhearted is busy trying to stop an evil guy with frog-eyes from sacrificing a baby to Satan.

Seriously, eyes like a frog.


He provides the inadvertent comic relief throughout the movie what with the crazy faces he makes and his occasional deep voice. He’s trapped in the tomb by King Richard until some generic Middle Eastern men release him in 1951.
Then it’s present-day Chicago, and by present-day I mean 1994 but it looks like 1984. Chuck Norris is Sergeant Shatter (No, really) and Calvin Levels plays his partner, Detective Jackson who is also a Rick James-alike in his spare time.

A hooker flies out a building near them and they run up to investigate. Hey, look, it’s the Bad Guy and he’s wearing his fright nails.

He rips the heart out of a rabbi that came to kill him. Silly rabbi, if you want to kill a demon you have to be Catholic. That’s what I learned from The Omen

It’s the worst fake heart in the world, too. It looks like a rotisserie chicken with tubes sticking out of it. I wouldn’t be upset if I were the rabbi, the heart is so enlarged that it looks like he’s going to die soon anyway. The average human heart is about the size of a fist. Now you know!
Shatter and Jackson walk into this and there’s a hearty round of crotch kicking. There butch commander orders them to investigate.

It’s funny because every woman in a traditionally male profession is dykey, ha ha ha.
They end up in Israel investigating an antiquity left at the scene and then the buddy cop supernatural thriller becomes a buddy cop supernatural thriller fish out of water movie. And my head hurts. Detective Jackson spends his time whining and Sergeant Shatter beats people up. I wish that Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker had been cast instead, that would be much more entertaining.
In the movie’s low point they encounter an evil child who pick-pockets Detective Jackson–so much for being streetwise. He shows up throughout the movie as their guide and I pray ardently for his death.
The bad guy finally has all the pieces of the scepter he needs for some reason to do something and all I can think is how much I wish I were watching someone assemble the Silver Monkey totem in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Shatter and Jackson fight him, think they’ve knocked him out and suddenly he hovers down behind them in a very goofy and funny manner.

This just shows that the filmmakers rented a harness and dammit, they’re going to use it.
Finally, in the most badass moment of the movie, Chuck Norris says “Eat this” and throws the scepter through the baddie. Then he reveals his real demon form and leaves in a burst of sparks. Apparently, he was full of tesla coils.

Yes, the demon does look like it would be rejected from the set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for being too damn goofy.
Of course the movie has to end on a funny note so Detective Jackson ends up pick-pocketed by the Israeli boy again and the film ends on this shot.

He looks young but he’s had about five years of military training in Israel.
I reached onto my nightstand, grabbed my gun, and shot my tv and the copy of the dvd. Now I owe Netflix money.
While the movie was competently shot in the sense that I could see and hear everything ok, the plot was lame, muddled, unfunny, and unscary. Although it was almost worth it to watch the bad guy contort his face with his frog eyes and almond-slice nails. Otherwise, avoid at all costs. Or, if given the choice between this movie and the fish-out-of-water buddy-cop movie Final Justice starring Joe Don Baker, go for the Joe Don Baker movie. At least he kills a lot of people in Malta.

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About scarina

I like scary movies a little too much. I thought I'd share my obsession with you.
This entry was posted in 1990's, film club, satanism, thriller and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to The Movie Felt Like Hell

  1. Thomas Duke says:

    WEINERDOG!!

    “the average human heart is about the size of a fist. Now you know!”
    Where were you last week when I got drunk and performed experimental heart surgery on my friend. ARGHHHH! I accidently performed a bypass on his liver with a piece of a McDonald’s straw. Poor bastard.

    • scarina says:

      Heck yeah, Weinerdog!
      Well, I only discovered that fact last week after I tried to replace one of my friend’s heart with a bunch of McNuggets. Didn’t work.

  2. Nick Mullins says:

    You’re so right about the fake heart. And Prosatanos’s expression when he pulls it out is just so ridiculous, too.

    Also, at least with Final Justice you can watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version.

    • scarina says:

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the heart was ridiculous. And every face Prosatanos made was so insane.
      True. If I hadn’t seen Final Justice without Mike and the bots I probably would have hated it every bit as much as this.

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