The Stand: The Stand

I didn’t stutter, that’s the actual title of this VHS segment. I hate it. It reminds me of the covers for the movie Seven and how they’re written like this; Se7en. I read that as “Sesevenen” and that just sounds stupid. But that’s more about my OCD than anything else.
Harold + Nadine: Are leaving the scene of the crime on motorcycles. Nadine appears to be riding a pink child’s toy that was enlarged to human size. Harold’s riding a normal motorcycle but he has that stupid jacket on. It’s comforting to know that he won’t be long for this world. He sees Randall Flagg and crashes his bike. If you can’t trust the devil to keep his promises then who can you trust?
Stu+Larry+Glenn+Ralph are walking and Stu realizes this. Psychically. What, is Stu the last Horcrux or something?
Nadine leaves, as can be expected of the devil’s wife. Harold is shocked.
Judge Farris: Remember, he was one of the spies. He’s driving through Idaho and passes the omniscient crow that’s been following the survivors throughout this movie. Farris comes across a guy crucified on an ad for Flu Buddy. You have to admit, that brand had enormous market penetration. Too bad it didn’t seem to do anything. Some of Flagg’s lackies have orders to kill the Judge but don’t mess up his face because he’s going to send his head to the Boulder Free Zone.
Lloyd is living with Dana. Remember, she’s spy number two. They appear to reside at a Fantasuites. Or maybe at Caesar’s Lodge in the Poconos. But in Las Vegas.
Judge Farris is shot by the guards but they mess up his face. We see none of this since this is ABC but Flagg does go mental on the guy who survived. I remember reading the book and imagining Flagg’s punishment looking how it looked when Glory ate someone’s mind on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This is what it should look like when someone does something righteously fucked-up to your mind.

In the movie he just pummels the guy. He’s in a bad mood so he calls Lloyd and tells him that he’s been sleeping with the second spy. This makes Lloyd angry and he punishes us by showing us his mankini. Julie Lowry and assorted goons are there to confront Dana. She goes to get dressed in some Las Vegas hooker-wear and straps a retractable knife thingie to her arm. Also, she tells Lloyd she faked it every time as she leaves. Julie seems to enjoy hearing this.
Dana meets with Flagg who confesses that he can’t see the third spy, he just sees the moon. M-O-O-N, that spells moon for once. Dana says she doesn’t know who the third spy is and tries to stab Flagg but her knife turns into a banana. Sometimes when I’m bored, I pretend that bananas are guns and go “Pshew! Banana gun!” This is why I’m not allowed out of my house.
Flagg morphs into this devil-thing and Julie breaks the glass window in his office and impales herself on a shard. Ouch.
Tom looks at the M-O-O-N and sees that it’s time to leave. He almost bikes over Julie as he leaves.
Harold leaves the saddest suicide note on earth. It says, “I’m sorry, I was misled.” No you weren’t, you weiner-dog, you were pissed that the woman who you weren’t dating was dating someone else so you decided to have petty childish revenge. Also, you were pissed that people had a problem electing a sixteen-year-old to the council for the remaining survivors of the WORLD. So please don’t even try to pretend that you were a victim. Then he shoots himself. Stu knows this and says, “May god have mercy on his poor excuse for a soul.” Word.
Nadine‘s bike dies. All I can say is

His hugeness represents how funny I think Nadine's bike breaking is.

Trashcan Man is at the weapons facility and is hearing voices. This is totally the guy you want to have in charge of your weapons plan. Oh, and he set a bomb in the hangar.
Nadine finally finds her Twu Wuv. There’s a terrible CGI bonfire that Flagg walks through. They kiss and it’s all panting and lippy-smacky noises and my uterus is so horrified by the prospect of them having sex that it’s has packed its bags and left the country. Yup, he turns into a corpse and then a devil and they do it. IT.
Nadine is emotionally scarred afterwards, and by emotionally scarred I mean all her hair is white and she’s mute. Flagg drives her to Vegas and sings “Baby, Can You Dig Your Man?” Is that song the narrative thread that ties all the characters together? I do wish they’d stuck with “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”
He takes Nadine to their suite and when she’s in the elevator she finally says, “We are dead and this is hell.” Yup.
Lloyd goes up to give Flagg an update about his empire. He meets Nadine and discovers that she is immediately pregnant. That is even faster than it took Remus Lupin to get Tonks pregnant in book seven. Lloyd tried to tell Flagg about how Julie saw Tom Cullens earlier and how he thought that Tom was the spy but Flagg told him to tell him later. Lloyd tells him now and Flagg throws the mother of all temper-tantrums. After he calms down he tells Lloyd to remember who’s the boss. It’s 1994, that show wasn’t so long ago. I’m certain that Flagg is the kind of evil person who would prefer Charles in Charge even though Buddy was even creepier than Joey from Full House.
Nadine must have some sort of sanity left because she taunts Flagg and then throws herself off the building.
Trashcan Man is at a nuclear weapons storage center. I sense this is important.
Some guys from Vegas confess to Lloyd that they’re leaving and he should too. Lloyd says he’s going to stick with Flagg because Flagg trusted him and saved him and made him a decent human being. That’s kind of nice in a sick way.
Stu+Larry+Glenn+Ralph are trying to cross a washed-out road when Stu falls and breaks his leg. Abigail predicted that one of them would fall so they guess that this is it. Glenn and Ralph prepare to leave Stu behind. Larry freaks out and I love him for this. I can’t imagine what Stu would be feeling. All I know is that I fractured my pelvis once and it was agony. I don’t think many things could suck more than a broken leg in the middle of the desert. At least Kojak decides to stay with him. Things become more troubling, if possible, when Stu develops a cough.
Larry, Glenn, and Ralph are arrested on their way to Las Vegas. Glenn gets smart and one of the cops slaps him. Larry responds by saying that he gets the Rodney King humanitarian award. I heart you, Larry.
Flagg visits Glenn in his cell and offers to free him if he begs for it. Glenn responds by laughing. Lloyd shoots Glenn.
Back in the wash-out, Stu wakes up from a dream of Mother Abigail where she hilariously shrieks “WAKE UP!” Tom finds Stu and helps him out of the wash-out.
Back in Las Vegas, Ratman smashes Larry’s guitar and shouts that “Disco is dead.” But Larry didn’t play disco music… Then Julie spits on Larry. Poor Larry, he can’t get a break.
Randall Flaggs reads his proclamation where he blames Larry, Ralph, and Glenn for the explosion at the hangar. One of Flagg’s lackeys tries to stop what’s happening but Flagg kills him with one of those electricity balls from Spencer’s Gifts.
Unfortunately, Trashy chooses that moment to drive up with a nuke and boy, is he scabrous looking. The energy ball becomes the literal hand of god and Las Vegas is no more.
Stu and Tom witness this from above their ditch. Then Stu and Tom rig up a car and drive off in a very Dukes of Hazzard moment. They find a hotel and it looks like the porn music was waiting for them. Tom tries to get Stu to eat but he’s not having it. Suddenly all this smoke fills the hotel and Nick is there. And he can talk! He helps Tom pick out just the right drugs for Stu, and a little for himself on the side. Stu’s feeling better but Tom is sad because he can’t remember what Nick looked like. Stu is limp-walking and they leave for Boulder in Dick Halloran’s Snow-Cat.
Hey, Stephen King is on guard! Stu and Tom see him and he gives Stu the bad news that Fran’s baby came early and has the flu. There’s about five minutes of worry but then everything is fine. Stu, Fran, Lucy Swann, Joe, and Tom look at the baby’s in the baby section and Mother Abigail’s head is suddenly superimposed over the bassinets. This makes me jump.
There’s a recap of the dead and then the credits roll.
I’m glad this is over. I love Stephen King but watching these miniseries sucks because they’re so defanged. I want a Lord of the Rings-style treatment of The Stand. Hell, King was inspired by LoTR for The Stand. He imagined an epic journey across and empty America. And I guess this kind of was close to that but where’s the blood and gore and Harold’s massive weight-loss?


About scarina

I like scary movies a little too much. I thought I'd share my obsession with you.
This entry was posted in 1990's, books, tv miniseries and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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