Welcome back. Let’s recommence, won’t we?
Stu + Fran: You know how DiY culture is all popular now? Well, Stu is doing that only instead of knitting a case for his smart phone he’s doing surgery on one of the survivors. Oops. One of the downsides of the apocalypse is the utter lack of doctors. Their gang now consists of Stu, Fran, Harold, Glenn, Kojak the dog, Dana Jurgens, and Judge Farris.
After burying the guy who died Stu and Fran have some hot mid-nineties riverside makeout action. Fran also confesses that she has a wicked case of the knocked-ups. Harold looks on enviously. And by enviously, I mean, Omg he is crazy! Stu and Fran confess to Harold that they’re in wuv and Harold says it’s ok but then the camera pans in on his hands and they’re all bloody where his nails dug into them. I sense his rage will be important for the future.
Las Vegas: is being cleaned up by the Transylvanians from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. There’s a guy in a wheel chair with a cowboy hat and a huge Confederate flag hanging off of his chair.
Trashcan Man has been moved to a bedroom. He’s been bandaged and someone’s put pajamas on him. I don’t envy whoever had to do that. He finally wakes up and meets Lloyd and the Ratman. I guess he made it to Vegas. The Ratman describes himself as bold, black, and beautiful. I think he’s a skinny guy in a hat. And he describes Lloyd as ok for a slice of white bread. Ok then. This exchange makes me laugh for no good reason.
Trashy finally meets Randall Flagg. Flagg performs a magic trick and Trashy is already to sell his soul to him. Somebody please alert James Randi.
Stu + Fran‘s gang have made it to Mother Abigail. I find this whole business with her to be terribly creepy. Let’s say that there was an apocalypse and you started having dreams about an elderly lady calling you to her and other nightmares about an evil guy. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t pursue either of them. I would find someplace nice and secluded somewhere around Delaware, Maryland, Virgina or North Carolina. Where it’s temperate but not too hot and the winters aren’t too terrible. I’d find someplace isolated and hide there.
And speaking of creepy, Harold is wearing the creepiest bolo tie ever. And we all know that bolo ties=perverts.
There’s a creepy dream interlude with Nadine and Randall Flagg. Every time they try to make them seem romantic or at least borderline sexy they fail miserable. It makes me cry.
Back to what is now being called the Boulder Free Zone. Glenn sums up what I think when he expresses disgust that the power’s going back on and says that they’re returning to the old way and the old way was what nearly got them killed. I have to pretty much agree with him.
Larry and Nadine arrive separately. Look, Stephen King survived the apocalypse and he drove Nadine! I love watching for his cameos in his movies.
There is a town meeting which is cut short because Mother Abigail wandered away. I’m sure if you put her left tail-light on she’ll show up. Hee, jokes about the elderly being bad drivers.
After the meeting Nadine pretty much throws herself at Larry but she is rejected. BURN. I love Larry in this part. Actually, I love Larry throughout the book and the movie. His music is terrible and he dresses like a pirate but he seems like such a sweet, flawed guy. The inappropriate porn music has returned. I like that less.
Nadine goes home and finds that someone wrote “Harold Lauder” all over her walls in blood. Were Chris Hargensen and Billy there on the way to the prom?
The Free Zone committee is having a meeting and they decide to send spies out west. Larry voices his dissent and this leads to my favorite exchange ever, where he tells Stu that he’s cute when he’s mad. Someplace sick a slash pairing is born.
The chosen spies are Judge Farris, Dana Jurgens, and, my favorite character ever, Tom Cullens. Team Tom!
They go to his house, which is the most amazing looking house in the world. The outside is covered in lawn ornaments and the inside has more of Jame Gumb’s mannekins. I tried to find pictures of it but all that came up were Edward Cullens’ house. What kind of terrible vampire failure lives in a house covered in windows, I ask you?
Tom is apparently very hypnotizable (?) and they give him some hypnotic suggestions and send him on his way.
Yes, Stephen King is back! Him and Harold are on body collection duty. It kind of makes me sad that the movie cut short Harold’s character development from obnoxious gross guy to a pretty ok guy to raging psycho.
Nadine seduces Harold and promises him everything but sex. Then Harold has a hilarious talking corpse dream. Seriously, it sent me into giggles like only the Cryptkeeper can.
There’s a brief cut to Tom spying in Las Vegas then it’s back to Boulder.
Harold builds a bomb and blows up Fran and Stu’s house. Rudeness. Sadly, Nick dies. This always makes me so sad, I loved Nick. He seemed like such a cool guy and he overcame so much.
Mother Abigail returns and tells Stu that him, Glenn, Larry and Ralph have to go to Las Vegas yesterday and STAND. Hence, the title. Then she dies.
This tape ends with tearful good-byes and, finally, music that doesn’t suck.