I bought It on VHS for a dollar. Sadly, I don’t know how to do that magic thing to hook a tv to a VCR to a computer to take screencaps. So there are no funny pictures for me to write amusing captions for.
Anyway, I put the movie in and it makes that satisfying click that is totally lacking in DVDs. When the opening credits start I’m reminded of how the movie is full of cheesy synth-licks. Ick. Music that sounds like Yes doesn’t inspire terror. Now Nu Shooz, THAT’S terrifying.
Zounds! According to the credits, Jonathon Brandis and Seth Green are in this movie. How did I not know this? Oz and the guy from SeaQuest. Now we’re talking.
The movie starts with grown-up Mike Hanlon at the scene of another child murder in Derry. Damn, now he has to call his old friends and make them remember the promise they made 27-years-ago.
First he calls grown-up Bill, who is also John-boy from The Waltons. He’s married to Olivia Hussey, who we last saw in Black Christmas. I hate seeing movies based on books because I always, ALWAYS refer back to the books in my mind and it drives me mad. Like, now I’m thinking how Audra is supposed to be a red-head and Bill is supposed to be bald. Bill remembers the dead brother that he forgot–is that confusing? And the movie gives us the worst fake blood I’ve ever seen. The blood on Georgie’s photo-album looks like Urban Decay lipgloss and the blood on the floor looks like hot dog water.
Then it’s back to the present and grown-up Mike calls grown-up Ben. Grown-up Ben is played by John Ritter, aKa Ted from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s like a Buffy reunion.
I’d forgotten how much they toned down the violence for this miniseries. I’m still rereading the book and the section about Ben fighting Henry Bowers and his gang is so violent. But the miniseries shows nothing, there’s a knife, Henry looks like he’s cutting Ben’s stomach and then Ben falls over the fence.
Grown-up Mike calls grown-up Bev and damnit, another person who isn’t a redhead but is supposed to be a redhead. And boy, did they miscast Tom Rogan. He looks like a skinny sociopath but he’s supposed to be a giant, steroidy sociopath. And here’s another fight that’s been severely toned down.
Grown-up Eddie is next to get the call and I’m so disappointed that he wasn’t married to giant fat Myra. I always trick myself into thinking that this guy was Judge Harry from Night Court. Eddie’s flashback to his childhood brings forth the goofiest claymation scene ever. Honest to god, this movie is so lame that it would be nothing without the clown. The clown makes the movie.
My favorite character, Richie is next. But his stand-up act is horrible. And he’s played by the guy who really was Judge Harry. Why do I remember these things? I do heart Seth Green as Richie. I think I like him so much because he has such a runaway mouth and sometimes I end up in similar situations. I really want to see someone fall just so I can say, “Smooth move, banana-heels!”
I’m starting to get really bored by this point. Mike’s memories are next and one of the few genuinely creepy moments of the movie comes up, when the pictures in his album start to move. Those kind of things creep me out. I think it’s because it’s so contrary to the natural order of things.
Finally, finally, thankfully, are Stan’s memories. By now I’ve pretty much tuned out. The kids go into the tunnel and face It and It is so clearly not dead but they leave anyway. And the movie cuts out the part where they all have sex with Beverly. Stan kills himself and tape one is over.
And I need a nap, I have the coughs again. I’ll be back later with the second part.