Sometimes I wonder how the movies in my 50 Chilling Classics anthology were selected. Did some intern go into a film vault and leave with heaping armfuls of public domain “classics?” I think it was less an intern and more a disinterested homeless guy that they promised some Colt 45. I say this based on the fact that last night’s movie, The Bloody Brood was neither chilling nor a classic and, in fact, barely featured any blood.
My rage over this movie is palpable. The only thing that makes it better than Bell From Hell is that I could actually see and hear what was happening. True, what was happening was hardly scary. But at least I could see it.
The movie starts at some beatnik club that reminded me of the Tim Burton exhibit at MOMA.
There are lots of hipsters and they like to get kicks, you see? I nearly cried when they started talking about kicks because all I could think of was the MST3K episode Wild Rebels with the beatniks hanging out with Steve Alamo. An old guy dies for some reason and puffy-faced Nico, as played by Peter Falk of Columbo fame, is revealed to be a philosophical sociopath.
From there the movie moves to some guy’s apartment. A delivery-boy shows up with a telegram. Having just broken a bottle, Nico does the reasonable thing and FEEDS THE BOY A HAMBURGER MADE OF BROKEN GLASS. Wait, wut? The glass shards were very big, how did he not notice the ginormous cutting pieces of death in his mouth? I…don’t know. From here on the movie is a straightforward revenge picture with the boy’s older brother trying to find out who killed him and why.
Here are things that raise my pulse-rate more than this movie did;
1. Episodes of Rugrats
3. Vacuuming my apartment
4. Episodes of Antiques Roadshow
The only joy I found in this movie was with this Fred Armison look-alike. I was happy anytime he was on screen because he made me think of Billy Smith, Native American stand-up comedian.
If you want a movie that is actually scary, please stay far, far away from this movie. Little Monsters is scarier than this.
Don’t fear, next week’s movie is the camp classic It’s Alive!. Hopefully it will bring the scare and the lulz.
- Scarina--the authoress and editrix of this site. I like scary movies and have dedicated my free time to cataloging horror--the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes there are books too.
There's film criticism, literary criticism, and humor here. I can be highbrow but there's lots of pop culture too. And feminism.
I fervently love "Twin Peaks" and wish it were a real place so I could move there. I can't list my favorite scary movies because they change depending on my mood, the season, and how much coffee I've had.
I'm an artist looking for ways to blend creepy with cute. I try to channel my childhood nightmares, my love of horror, and my experiences with sleepy paralysis.
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