That is not a typo in the title. That is how it appeared on the back of the dvd box so I can only assume that that’s the actual title. Although the title card in the movie was different. Now I’m just confused. Shut up, don’t judge me.
You see, I have this problem and according to Final Girl I’m not the only one. Every time I see a low-priced horror set of 20 dvd’s for $20 I need it. It’s all I can think of! So when I saw a five vampire movies for five dollars set I had to get. It’s not like I had a choice or free-will or anything!
Come gather round, children, and I’ll tell you a story about creatures called vampires. Once upon a time, there were creatures called vampires. They had fangs and would suck the life-juice out of you. Sometimes they were ugly, like Nosferatu, or sometimes they were scary-sexy Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee or even Gary Oldman in the abortion Frances Ford Coppola version. Much of their time was spent defiling innocent women. They didn’t have families, unless you counted minions and pits full of chicks. They didn’t play baseball, drink animal blood to avoid killing people, and they certainly weren’t vegetarians. They were actual creatures of menace. Oh, those were the days, you dern kids with your eight tracks and hula hoops…but I digress.
So the movie I watched was an actual Hammer film and a sequel to Dracula 1972 A.D. Sadly, it kind of sucked. The basic plot is that Dracula (Christopher Lee) has several heads of industry and politics under his thrall. He’s enlisted a scientist to create a new, even deadlier strain of bubonic plague to destroy all life on the planet. Why? I DON’T KNOW! As a certain wise vampire once said, “Humans are Happy Meals with legs.” When one of the many elderly British men in this movie said, maybe he has a subconscious death wish. That’s when I tuned out. Dracula doesn’t have a death wish, unless it’s delivering death to everyone. I swear, 80% of this movie was exposition, 5% was boobs and vampire women hissing, leaving a mere 15% with actual Dracula. Whenever he was on screen it was awesome, but whenever he was gone it sucked and blowed. Although the opening did feature a slowly growing cellophane vampire outline and the grooviest music ever.
There was barely any vampire action, barely anyone got bit, despite the high body-count-to-boob ratio. Fifteen kills; two pairs of breasts.
Also, all of Dracula’s henchmen wore these groovy sheepskin vests that lacked any sort of menace. See?
I’m so scared they’ll kill me with acoustic hippie rock and weed.
So this movie was kind of a hot mess. It was a fun way to waste an afternoon, though, and it even included a slap-fight that made the women’s fight in Manos: Hands of Fate look hardcore. Plus, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are fun in anything, anything I tells ya! Anyway I have to justify it…